JUST LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!

The hell with this. The hell with you and you and you and you. I don’t give a damn. You can say whatever you want, do whatever you want’ but the only thing you’re helping is the fire continue to burn. All I want to say is “fuck it” and walk off and leave this place. All I want to do is act like I never meet any of you. Maybe I should have left; life would be easier as Wyoming Park anyway. Maybe I’ll go there next year, they’d be glad to have me. And I can just walk away and forget all about this place, these people, and every little thing that everyone has ever put me through. The hell with life. What’s there to live for anyway.

Why?

I’m wondering why.

                Why we live to die. Why we love to hurt. Why we speak to be ignore. Why would but all of our trust in other people. Why friends are all we really have to hold onto in the end and when we need them we don’t want them the most. Why we try to understand one another when there’s really no sense. Why we try. Why we work toward this perfect nothing, hoping it ends up being something. Why we hope and dream, just to get our hopes and dreams crushed. Why we confine our deepest thoughts to our best known strangers. Just why?

                As of this moment I feel I am a danger to my own self, my own life, my own existence, and also everyone else’s lives. I feel like if I think about one thing or take one false breath I might fall apart. I might destroy myself. I feel like I should tear myself opening and rip myself apart. Make it so I don’t have to hurt or bother or annoy or confuse or mislead or destroy someone ever again. I don’t want to be a danger to the people in this world. I don’t want to be a danger to myself. I don’t want to make more false assumption that make my heart break. Or lead myself down another road where it’s impossible to keep my thoughts straight. Or but myself down so much to a point where I feel like I’m even lower that dirt and worse than Satan. I just want to be rid of myself, because all I am is harm.

                There are many ways one could get ride of themselves. I’m not going for the path that means suicide though. I don’t want ot be completely gone from the world. I still want to live. I just want to get rid of these thoughts, these feeling and emotions, these actions, these words. This me. I want to rid myself of this “personality”. I want to be gone. I want to be away. How do I do this without becoming a soulless body?

                My mind is in a state of pure unstableness. How is this possible? I don’t even have a rhyme or reason to be feeling this way. Well, probably nothing to good or important. Just the usual woes and worries of my life. Not like I’m having overly terrible guy problems, or experienced a death or loss, or had anything too major happen to me. I just feel so helpless, and small, and alone. I’m no help. It’s my job as a friend to help. There’s nothing I can do. Am I gonna get fired from my job? Am I going to get demoted. I’m the one who gives the advice, I’m the one she’s supposed to turn to for help, and she did. But I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m no good in this situation. There’s no reason I should be feeling so terrible right now, she’s the one who feels bad, I should not be worrying about myself right now. But I can’t stop.

                I can’t even calm down right now. I think I need to sleep. I wonder if I can. Being left alone with my thoughts that may be dangerous.

                Good Night.

                Baylee Jean Miller

                xoxox

Taco

I want a muffin!
that is my story
love baylee?!!!
i think....

More Teen Agnst, or just more proof that life sucks?

Well,

               Epic fail at posting 3 times a week, huh?

               Yeah I know, I suck, get over it.

               I’m sure there are a million questions floating in your head right now, huh future self? Well calm down I’ll get to it all. Honestly, my life isn’t that exciting. And honestly, I’m not sure if I can handle this hectic nonsense any longer.

    I must start by saying, my AP TEST IS OVER!! (I’m almost positive that’ll be the ONLY good thing you’ll hear on this post). So, yesterday from 8am- to about 11:45am I was taking my first AP test ever. It wasn’t fun but I’m glad it’s over and now we pretty much get to goof off in class. Speaking of goofing off in class, today we played Mafia in AP World History. First round, I kind of fail considering I accidentally showed everyone my card.... Second Round, I was the last to die considering Katrina and Maria put drugs into my toothpaste that induced a heart attack. We killed all of the innocent towns people, and only the murderers were left living in the end. Hmm....I guess we kind of suck a Mafia....oh well fun game anyway.

    This week was all pretty stressful. I think I’m going to put it all in groups.

Friends:

    My oh my oh my......Where to begin. Let’s just say it hasn’t been a very good week in the friendship department. I really don’t even have a clue what to do anymore. I’m not sure what I can say to them without saying something wrong, I’m not sure what I can ask without them freaking out, I’m not even sure who I can trust with what anymore. Sometimes, it seems like I’m just there to make them feel better about themselves and so they have someone to put down when they need to feel stronger. It’s not a great position to be in. But I’ve been in it plenty of times before and I always seem to get out with my life, pride, dignity, and our friendship still amazingly intact. And the other one. I feel so helpless because there’s not much I can do to help her. Hun, I know you’ve heard me say this a million and ten times by now, and it’s probably annoying the heck outta you but that boy is blind and can’t see the amazing, amazing chick right in front of him. But I suppose on the bright there may be one good thing happening in the friendship department right now. I believe I have made a new friend. I know that may sound weird, but it’s not very often I get new friends so deal with it. His name is Conner. He sits with Miranda and Katelyn during art and they made me start talking to him. He’s a good person to talk to. He’s interesting, often sounds very wise, and has a strange addiction to Mountain Dew. We talk some in Geometry. We aren’t like best friends or anything but considering I’ve only really been talking to him for a grand total of 2 weeks ,yeah...So that’s how things are going with all of them....huh, well then.

Family:

I think they’re all smoking pot. My mom, still hasn’t stopped nagging me about anything. Nothing new there. I wonder if she knows that she’s only pushing me farther and farther away from this place?  I’m not sure she realizes that with each day that passes t’s another day loser I get to leaving Michigan, and living my own life. I wonder...I love my mom though, don’t get me wrong with that. I will in fact, miss her when I’m gone. Me and my dad had a good night though. Since my mom is on her yearly mother’s day shopping trip with my grandma and aunt it meant time for father-daughter bonding”. We ate pizza which my dad drowned in crushed-red pepper, it tasted great but our mouths were burning and we watched “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl”. Man, did that bring back some good memories.... On Thursday night we’re going to go see the new one at the first midnight showing. I’m gonna be tired on Friday at school but it’s worth it. I mean seriously, JOHNNY DEPP! So that’s family at the moment, it’s alright enough I guess. Still not sure what I can say to them without them lecturing me or “worrying” about me.

School:

    Don’t even get me started. I have a ton of missing assignments in Geometry and I know it. Gosh. I am getting a-’s in every class, except geometry, I’m getting a C, probably a C- by now. I just don’t understand the material half the time, a quarter of the time I forget I have it or put it off because of other homework, and the last quarter I just don’t feel like doing it. I know I’m getting myself into a bad habit. Trust me, this weekend is devoted to Geometry. Well actually it’s devoted to geometry and sleep.

Guys:

    -Deep exasperated sigh- We all know I am very very unskillful in this area. Long eyelashes doesn’t seem like the right type of guy for me. He’s kinda a very good Christian boy and I’m kinda a confused Christian girl who never goes to church except on holidays... SO i just don’t really think I like him anymore. He still seems like a great guy I just don’t feel like he’s my type or that I’m his (but honestly I’m not anyone’s type). I had another encounter with “I will die” (AKA me and Miranda’s nick name for Brian). Apparently, now Katrina and Brian are against me getting a moped (and Conner sorta) not that I’m going to listen to any of them. Well anyway Brian was eavesdropping on my conversation about it and then he started lecturing me about how I’m gonna die if I get one. And once again I was too nice. And once again it made me feel like a normal person talking to him. And once again I ended up confused in my mind. I have no clue where this crazy world is trying to take me. Cause honestly I might try to destroy the world if it keeps attempting to push me toward Brian. And lastly, I saw “him” yesterday. There were no feelings there. He passed me and said “Hi Baylee” without really talking to me and I either nodded or said a distant hey. Either way, everything that there ever might have possibly ever been between me and Travis is gone like nothing was ever even there. (And Kate tried to tell me that I still am not over him. I don’t know where she’s been but I haven’t liked him since late this summer, and honestly Kate you have NO CLUE what I feel about anyone. Still love ya Kate, but don’t try to tell me the feelings I’m feeling).

Lastly, Last weekend:

Last weekend was actually pretty good. I don’t know how life can go so down him so fast but at least I know it’s possible for good days ever now and again. Me, Kate, Alex, and Conner went to go see the play, “Don’t try to wake him, hand me the shovel.” My dad drove me, Kate and Alex there. Conner came on his own accord, but he was late. Kate freaked out. It was entertaining. We got there early and played soccer with a sophomore ,Daniel and some little kid. Then we sat outside and Mr.Wislon (a teacher that I don’t even have yet) scared the crap outta us. Apparently he thought Alex was Daniel. Daniel came outside and sat with us and told us this about 10 minutes after it happened, we were really confused at first. The play was actually funny,  “OH MY CRAP”. I don’t trust Larissa with an umbrella or Jasmine with a gun. And Me and Jazz both cracked up when Tellious came by and randomly put his hand on my shoulder “SO Baylee how’d you like the play?” I have never once talked to that boy in my life. We waited about an hour for our rides to get there. It was fun. And the ride home was rather entertaining with Alex as our own personal comedian in the back seat.

So all in all that’s life. I’m sure there’s a ton more. But I’m talking to Conner at the moment on Facebook and I really don’t want to think about how stressful of a week it’s been right now. I just wanna chill. SO that’s all for now. We’ll see what else I fell like saying soon. Promise I’ll start writing regularly again.

Love,

Baylee Jean

Xoxox

P.S. Miranda and Katelyn have both told that I’ve been acting “distant” lately… I’m not sure what to say to that.

See Miranda, I told you I'm terrible....This is only one little thing I've thought about that makes me think I'm terrible....

I wonder if I’m going to make it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t.

I try to make myself think I’m strong, but if it came down to it I just hope I wouldn’t coward in fear.

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking about this, but I’ve started to think about what Brian would have to change about himself for me to actually go out with him.

Then I really thought about how terrible it was to think that someone would have to change something about themselves to be able to impress me and I realized how terrible that was. No one should ever have to change anything about them to have me be attracted to them. Still I don’t feel that way about him, but I feel like if he did change those things I might actually like him. But those things include: being more considerate to others feelings, like music, get a Facebook, think before he talks, control his temper a bit, and fix his flatulence problem. That’s a lot to change, and I’ve never wanted to be that person who tries to change someone. In fact I am not going to be the person who tries to change someone (although it would probably be for the better for everyone, except him of course). I wish I could just tell him that it’s not worth it, that I’m not worth it, and that I’m sure some other person would be insanely attracted to him someday but I need a little more than what I believe he has to offer. I can’t of course say that because, firstly I would sound insanely rude and stuck up, and secondly that would mean that I would have to tell him that I assume that he likes me which also sounds really stuck up and could be the wrong assumption. Of course the boy has some great things to offer but I’m afraid that they are almost completely unnoticeable because of the flaws. I really don’t mean to sound as terrible as it sounds like I am right now. I’ve really been thinking about this lately, really I have. I mean seriously, here’s the good qualities: He’s smart and rather enjoys reading good poetry, he can be funny at times (but only when its appropriate to be funny, because so many times he tries to be funny when the timing is completely off and it just makes him look obnoxious), I can talk to him like the two of us are actually normal people and I don’t worry about him judging me too harshly (because it’d be weird if he judged me and if he judges me badly then I’m pretty sure he knows that I can judge him just as badly), I’ve known him for a while, he’s a little nerdy sometimes so when I say something completely nerdy then it would be like me saying something really nerdy… I still don’t even know why I’ve been thinkning about this. I guess that if he ever does randomly ask me out I don’t want to make the mistake of giving him the wrong answer by saying yes or no. I might tell him something like, “we’ll see how it works out” or “let’s go hang out and get to know each other a bit more before we make a decision like that” because I honestly don’t know. The teasing I’ll get for goin out with him wouldn’t really bother me much, I don’t give a crap what people think of me just because of the people I decide to associate with. I think that might be one of the reasons he possibly maybe likes me, because I use to be one of the only girls that were ever nice to him. I’m still overly nice to him, I don’t even know why. He’s a person and deserves to be treated like one, and if people knew that then maybe he wouldn’t have gone to such an extreme with his obnoxiousness.

People will be the death of me.

I won’t die because of a disease, of because of global warming, or anything like that. I’ll die because of the human population and their crazy ways. Because of their critical judgments, their harsh words, their double personalities, and the knives they are willing to stab into anyone’s back. It’s a sad truth and I know it. It’s clear, everyone in this earth is slowly (or quickly) going mad.  People are either too smart or too dumb.

Take Rihanna for example. She’s on the too dumb side (she just came on the radio). Listen to her new song, her new song says: “I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it… sticks and stones may break bones, but chains and whips excite me.” Yeah, I use to feel bad for her because Chris Brown beat her, well now I almost think she deserved it because of this song. Apparently, she enjoyed it and didn’t care. So she shouldn’t expect any sympathy from me. I mean for her sake I hope it doesn’t happen again, but with a song like this it wouldn’t surprise me if her next boyfriend beats her too.

Love challenge-day 3

Love Challenge- Day 4: Your first love, in great detail.

            Well, honestly you’ve probably heard enough about him and I don’t really feel like thinking about him that much. But for the sake of the day 4 challenge I will describe him, but I’m not sure it will be in GREAT detail. Does that sound good to you? Honestly, if you read back on some of my post I’ve talked about him plenty. He’s known as, “the boy with the gorgeous bright blue eyes”, “the one who got away”, “Cheerio”, and “forever my first love”. It’s all kind of cheesy and pointless considering we never dated, in fact I never even told him I liked him.

            His name was Travis. Yeah, he was pretty brilliant. I liked him since the middle of 6^th grade until the very very end of 8^th grade. I know I was pathetic, I still am. He had tan skin, a gorgeous smile, and beautiful bright baby blue eyes. He played basketball, soccer, and football. He was smart, and nice, and social. I’m thoroughly convinced everyone liked him at one point or time in their lives. I’m just the one that liked him the most and the longest. He was so funny, and I must admit a little goofy and clumsy. He was so nice to me, and honestly I always felt oddly confident and oddly shy around him.

            I met him in book club in 6^th grade. That’s why I thought he was so brilliant in the first place, he liked to read. At first I just thought that he was a popular boy that was stuck up. But there were so few people in book club and I really got to know him. I fell head over heels for that boy. There are so many diary entries and random things I have written and to him (with no intention to send) that I’ve collected. He was the first boy I ever called, and called and called.

            In all truth he probably thought I was really annoying, because I was. I was EXTREMELY obnoxious back then. I hope I’m not still. But there will always be a special place in my heart for him. Of course there will be because he was and will always be my first love!

Love,

            Baylee Jean

            xoxox

Love Challenge- Day 3

Love Challenge- Day 3: What is your definition of love?

            Love pulls at your emotions and tears at your heart. It’s something more than an emotion; something much stronger. Love is the reason for the pain in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach. Love is what keeps us all dreaming and creates our wildest fantasies. It’s the most confusing, crazy, hectic, thing that is, or is not, known to man. Love is something that is almost impossible to understand. Love is the heartbreak you feel when someone walks away, and you know you’ll never see them again. Love is that feeling of regret that you’ll never forget, because you left so many things unsaid. Love is, understanding someone although you thought you’d never understand. Love is listening to everything, even when nothing is said. Love is always being there, so there’s always a shoulder to cry on. Love is talking for hours, and holding on to each other’s words. Love is holding on to something, and there being something to hold on to. Love is something you feel deep inside your chest. Love is your minds worst enemy. Love is everything and nothing. Love is some it something terrible-wonderful. Love is all you have when life leaves you with nothing. Love is valuable. Love may not exist.

            Love would be him talking to me for hours, about life, love, and dreams; and he tries to understand everything that I say. He contributes equally to the conversation and has his own words of wisdom and philosophy to share. Love would be him holding me in his arms, because he knows I feel like I’ll fall right off the earth without something steady holding me down. Love would be him doing all the corny clichés just to make me believe in the possibility of a fairytale ending. Love would be something that would make me feel safe, and sane, and wanted by someone on this earth; love would be anything that shows me that someone actually cares.

            I need a guy to come along that actually cares, and even though he knows I’ve gone mad he somehow sees past that and for some reasons believes that I’m worth it…. That’s all I need. That’s all love HAS to be.