There are a lot of things I regret in this life. Whether they be things I wish I could take back or things I wish I would have done. I think most are things I wish I would have done though. Add one more thing to that list today…
I put on “a mask” today. Do you have any clue how painful that is? To pretend you don’t care when really you couldn’t be any happier or any more relieved. I don’t think anyone knows what I’m feeling right now. It’s crazy and I don’t know why I’m letting it get the best of me, but I am and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Today my school went to the college fair. It was fine I guess, it was very crowded, many different schools were there; including his school. Cheerio. The thought had already occurred to me that Wellspring might be there; they are practically just like our school and do everything ours does so why wouldn’t they be there. I looked around to see if I would spot him when we first got there but when I didn’t see him I gave up and forgot about the possibility that he might be there. I should have remembered so I could have anticipated it, at least so I could have been ready to see him. Miranda and I had started walking around and within the first 5 minutes we had already lost Katelyn. We thought she had abandoned us to go walk around with Iain but we were wrong. Of course, I should have known that if she were to abandon us for anyone it would have been Cheerio. I should have known, it was just like old times. I give all my heart away and Katelyn steals the position (no offense Katelyn, Love ya!). After we had gone around and looked at all of the colleges for the first time we went back to the beginning to look for Katelyn. Eventually, we found her. How did I not notice him standing behind her? What happened to the radar, did it really completely disappear? I spent forever with that radar of always knowing where he was, I could sense it, and now it’s all of a sudden gone. If it’s gone where did it go?
Then Katelyn gestured toward him and he turned around. I can’t remember the reaction on my face at that moment. I think for the first few seconds I saw him I had a wide smile and bright eyes, “Oh my goodness, Travis!” and then he swooped in for a hug! I wish I would have cherished that hug, I was so excited to see him that I couldn’t even register it. Then he hugged Miranda who was at the time jumping up and down, “Travis, Travis, Travis!!” After the hugs were exchanged he introduced “the family”, I wish he still referred to all of us that way. They all looked like fairly nice people, but I couldn’t help but think “thank you god for not letting him be with his girlfriend!” I would not have been able to handle it if she had been with him, seeing him “love” her and her the same to him, even though I already know they aren’t truly in love, and they know that too. It would have killed me. I’m just so glad she wasn’t with him. Then he saw Brit and turned around enthusiastically and started to go say hi to her. HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE US THAT EASILY WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GOODBYE! I turned back ever so slightly, “Peace” I said just loud enough so that he would for sure hear me. He did, “oh, byeeeee” By that point my excitement had gone way down, so much to a point I don’t think anyone would have noticed I had ever been excited, and I was in that state-of-mind where you can’t even register things going on outside of you unless they have to do with whatever is distracting you. I was in that state-of-mind that comes right before you realize how hurt you truly are and you think you are just relieved that it’s over. I was in that state-of-mind where I would do anything just to get one last glance at him.
After Miranda and I looked around a little more and went into this really boring workshop about scholarships and finical aid we went into the lobby and waited for our advisors to come. While we were waiting we heard Wellspring Prep called over the intercom that their bus had arrived, once I heard that I was awoken from my trance?”, I said, “over there, yes I think we need to go say goodbye to Travis”! So, I made Miranda follow me as I stalked Travis to his group and said, “We came to say goodbye…” and I put my arms out for a hug and then he hugged me again! This time I didn’t want to let go and I paid attention to what was going on. No I’m going to go a little teen-angst on you so, please just forgive me. His arms are nice and strong and he’s so tall, but he doesn’t seem as tall as he used to considering I’ve grown a few inches. His eyes are still gorgeous; I forced myself to look into them at the last minute just so I could remember them, they are still a beautiful bright baby blue. I miss looking into them. I just wish his arm was back around me giving me another hug. (Did I mention that I got more hugs from him today than I did in three years of middle school? It’s true, and that is if that hug even counts. On the night we were leaving after graduation I gave him a hug and broke down into tears, and that was all I ever hugged him in Middle school, now I got more hugs than that. My middle school self would be so jealous.) Then Miranda gave him another hug, once again by that point I was pretty zoned out again but I looked over and Travis was lifting her up in the air in a hug. By that point I was jealous. Then we said goodbye and he said, “Yeah see ya.. (took a minute to think about it) never?!” Really Travis! Do you think that was the smart thing to say… especially to me. He eventually changed it to “well, I’ll see ya sometime.”
I saw him one last time today. When he was going to get on him bus. And that was the last time I saw him today. I wonder how much longer it will be until I see him again. I hadn’t seen him since graduation, on June 11th 2010, and I finally saw him again today one March 28th, 2011. DO you know how long that is? It’s a little over 10 months. That’s almost a year… I miss him. Do you have any clue how hard it is seeing him after I spent so many years investing my love in him. I loved him. Say what you will about young love, I don’t care. It’s true I seriously loved that boy. Yes, I know that it is seemingly impossible to fall in love with someone when you are in 6th grade and then love them until 8th grade, but I did exactly that.
And now it’s 9th grade. I know anyone reading this will probably take on look at this and think, “she still isn’t over him!” Well let me tell you something, I AM over him. I’m just hurt. You know there’s a song by big and rich and they say, “you never stop lovin somebody, you just start loving somebody else!” So true. Travis was the first guy I ever loved. Give me whatever crap you want to about this but it’s all very true: I do not like him anymore, I have realized the errors of ever going down that path and I don’t even know him anymore. He seems a little different, still Travis, but different. I know I don’t like him. If I had the odd chance to go out with him I probably would not take it. Please don’t take this post as a sign for my true feeling just bursting through because it’s not.
Thank you for listening.
xoxox
~Baylee Miller
P.S. I know I started this post as keeping his name secret but I couldn’t continue that and this post is private so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Listening to: “Falling Stars” by David Archuleta and “That should be me” by Justin Bieber
Watching: “Regular Show” on Cartoon Network
Wearing: Light blue polo with bright blue tank top under and khaki pants.
