See Miranda, I told you I'm terrible....This is only one little thing I've thought about that makes me think I'm terrible....

I wonder if I’m going to make it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t.

I try to make myself think I’m strong, but if it came down to it I just hope I wouldn’t coward in fear.

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking about this, but I’ve started to think about what Brian would have to change about himself for me to actually go out with him.

Then I really thought about how terrible it was to think that someone would have to change something about themselves to be able to impress me and I realized how terrible that was. No one should ever have to change anything about them to have me be attracted to them. Still I don’t feel that way about him, but I feel like if he did change those things I might actually like him. But those things include: being more considerate to others feelings, like music, get a Facebook, think before he talks, control his temper a bit, and fix his flatulence problem. That’s a lot to change, and I’ve never wanted to be that person who tries to change someone. In fact I am not going to be the person who tries to change someone (although it would probably be for the better for everyone, except him of course). I wish I could just tell him that it’s not worth it, that I’m not worth it, and that I’m sure some other person would be insanely attracted to him someday but I need a little more than what I believe he has to offer. I can’t of course say that because, firstly I would sound insanely rude and stuck up, and secondly that would mean that I would have to tell him that I assume that he likes me which also sounds really stuck up and could be the wrong assumption. Of course the boy has some great things to offer but I’m afraid that they are almost completely unnoticeable because of the flaws. I really don’t mean to sound as terrible as it sounds like I am right now. I’ve really been thinking about this lately, really I have. I mean seriously, here’s the good qualities: He’s smart and rather enjoys reading good poetry, he can be funny at times (but only when its appropriate to be funny, because so many times he tries to be funny when the timing is completely off and it just makes him look obnoxious), I can talk to him like the two of us are actually normal people and I don’t worry about him judging me too harshly (because it’d be weird if he judged me and if he judges me badly then I’m pretty sure he knows that I can judge him just as badly), I’ve known him for a while, he’s a little nerdy sometimes so when I say something completely nerdy then it would be like me saying something really nerdy… I still don’t even know why I’ve been thinkning about this. I guess that if he ever does randomly ask me out I don’t want to make the mistake of giving him the wrong answer by saying yes or no. I might tell him something like, “we’ll see how it works out” or “let’s go hang out and get to know each other a bit more before we make a decision like that” because I honestly don’t know. The teasing I’ll get for goin out with him wouldn’t really bother me much, I don’t give a crap what people think of me just because of the people I decide to associate with. I think that might be one of the reasons he possibly maybe likes me, because I use to be one of the only girls that were ever nice to him. I’m still overly nice to him, I don’t even know why. He’s a person and deserves to be treated like one, and if people knew that then maybe he wouldn’t have gone to such an extreme with his obnoxiousness.

People will be the death of me.

I won’t die because of a disease, of because of global warming, or anything like that. I’ll die because of the human population and their crazy ways. Because of their critical judgments, their harsh words, their double personalities, and the knives they are willing to stab into anyone’s back. It’s a sad truth and I know it. It’s clear, everyone in this earth is slowly (or quickly) going mad.  People are either too smart or too dumb.

Take Rihanna for example. She’s on the too dumb side (she just came on the radio). Listen to her new song, her new song says: “I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it… sticks and stones may break bones, but chains and whips excite me.” Yeah, I use to feel bad for her because Chris Brown beat her, well now I almost think she deserved it because of this song. Apparently, she enjoyed it and didn’t care. So she shouldn’t expect any sympathy from me. I mean for her sake I hope it doesn’t happen again, but with a song like this it wouldn’t surprise me if her next boyfriend beats her too.

Love challenge-day 3

Love Challenge- Day 4: Your first love, in great detail.

            Well, honestly you’ve probably heard enough about him and I don’t really feel like thinking about him that much. But for the sake of the day 4 challenge I will describe him, but I’m not sure it will be in GREAT detail. Does that sound good to you? Honestly, if you read back on some of my post I’ve talked about him plenty. He’s known as, “the boy with the gorgeous bright blue eyes”, “the one who got away”, “Cheerio”, and “forever my first love”. It’s all kind of cheesy and pointless considering we never dated, in fact I never even told him I liked him.

            His name was Travis. Yeah, he was pretty brilliant. I liked him since the middle of 6^th grade until the very very end of 8^th grade. I know I was pathetic, I still am. He had tan skin, a gorgeous smile, and beautiful bright baby blue eyes. He played basketball, soccer, and football. He was smart, and nice, and social. I’m thoroughly convinced everyone liked him at one point or time in their lives. I’m just the one that liked him the most and the longest. He was so funny, and I must admit a little goofy and clumsy. He was so nice to me, and honestly I always felt oddly confident and oddly shy around him.

            I met him in book club in 6^th grade. That’s why I thought he was so brilliant in the first place, he liked to read. At first I just thought that he was a popular boy that was stuck up. But there were so few people in book club and I really got to know him. I fell head over heels for that boy. There are so many diary entries and random things I have written and to him (with no intention to send) that I’ve collected. He was the first boy I ever called, and called and called.

            In all truth he probably thought I was really annoying, because I was. I was EXTREMELY obnoxious back then. I hope I’m not still. But there will always be a special place in my heart for him. Of course there will be because he was and will always be my first love!

Love,

            Baylee Jean

            xoxox

Love Challenge- Day 3

Love Challenge- Day 3: What is your definition of love?

            Love pulls at your emotions and tears at your heart. It’s something more than an emotion; something much stronger. Love is the reason for the pain in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach. Love is what keeps us all dreaming and creates our wildest fantasies. It’s the most confusing, crazy, hectic, thing that is, or is not, known to man. Love is something that is almost impossible to understand. Love is the heartbreak you feel when someone walks away, and you know you’ll never see them again. Love is that feeling of regret that you’ll never forget, because you left so many things unsaid. Love is, understanding someone although you thought you’d never understand. Love is listening to everything, even when nothing is said. Love is always being there, so there’s always a shoulder to cry on. Love is talking for hours, and holding on to each other’s words. Love is holding on to something, and there being something to hold on to. Love is something you feel deep inside your chest. Love is your minds worst enemy. Love is everything and nothing. Love is some it something terrible-wonderful. Love is all you have when life leaves you with nothing. Love is valuable. Love may not exist.

            Love would be him talking to me for hours, about life, love, and dreams; and he tries to understand everything that I say. He contributes equally to the conversation and has his own words of wisdom and philosophy to share. Love would be him holding me in his arms, because he knows I feel like I’ll fall right off the earth without something steady holding me down. Love would be him doing all the corny clichés just to make me believe in the possibility of a fairytale ending. Love would be something that would make me feel safe, and sane, and wanted by someone on this earth; love would be anything that shows me that someone actually cares.

            I need a guy to come along that actually cares, and even though he knows I’ve gone mad he somehow sees past that and for some reasons believes that I’m worth it…. That’s all I need. That’s all love HAS to be.

Love Challenge- Day 2

Love Challenge- Day 2: What is your dream person like?

It’s a warm summer day, and the sun is just setting. I’m wearing my brown and white polka-dotted bathing suit top and knee-length shorts. No shoes on, because I’m standing on the beach; completely mesmerized by the sun setting against the water. I don’t hear him walk up behind me, and when he rests his hand on my shoulder I turn around quickly, and gasp. Then I realize it’s him, a friend I’ve made over the summer, and I smile.

 It’s summer and I’m happy, I have no fear, and I feel as if I can do anything; that’s why we became friends in the first place.  He had come up to me earlier in the summer and just said ‘hi’, that’s all. That greeting grew into a ‘what’s up’ and from there a whole conversation spewed from our mouths. That’s when it all started, just a few weeks before this particular day. That conversation grew into swapping phone numbers, then meeting up again; pretty soon that lead to boat rides and fishing, sand castles and written words on the sand, and eventually laying on the beach starring at the stars while talking about the world.

 He has depth, and isn’t the least bit shallow. He’s funny and can make me laugh whenever I need some cheering up. He can hold a conversation about anything, without getting bored. He’s protective but understands that I can stand up for myself. He believes in me and my dreams and supports me. His dreams are just as big and he’s ambitious; he’s making plans to make them come true. He cares about life and he’s a smart boy. I’ve had a crush on him since the day we met, even though I haven’t said anything.

He’s smiles at me, but doesn’t say a word. He can see, just as well as I, how beautiful the scene is. But he interrupts the silence; he has to make sure the timing is perfect. He careful grabs my hand and makes our fingers intertwine. I turn my head to look at him and smile but flash him a look of confusion.

“Can I talk to you?” He asks me, a sparkle in his gorgeous eyes.

By now I’m thinking of situations that I’m hoping will happen. “Of course!” I flirt, as we start to walk towards a bench and sit down.

I don’t look at him at first and stare down at my flip-flops, but then I realize how ridiculous I’m acting; if I can be comfortable with anyone, it’s him. I look up at him and stare into his eyes, and suddenly I’m lost in them. He doesn’t say anything at first, but instead takes a moment to explore the depths of my eyes, which are glistening bright blue at the moment. He doesn’t turn away. There is nothing awkward about the eye contact, it feels natural.

“Baylee, your eyes are gorgeous! I could look at them for hours and still not be able to comprehend the complexity of what lies beneath them.”

My smile grows wider, as I say ‘thank you’. I want to clarify that he’s flirting with me, so I change the conversation to see if he returns to the compliments, “Well you’re one to talk, have you ever seen your eyes? They’re brilliant! In fact, I’m jealous of them.”

He rolls his eyes and laughs, “You’re insane! Even the sky is jealous of how blue your eyes are.”

I know he’s exaggerating, but I also know better than to decline the compliment, especially from him, “Thank you,  __________”

We both sit there silent for a minute, and look out at the sun which continues to sink lower, and is rapidly being eaten by the lake.

“I’m glad I met you this summer, ________. You’re my best friend!” I speak first, and then realize that what I’ve said may discourage him from ever liking me.

I’m proven wrong, “You’re my best friend too, Baylee! But, I was hoping we could become something more than that…You know, I’ve practiced this a million times and I still can’t say it right.”

I don’t want to interrupt him, but I don’t want him to lose courage. I think for once I know what’s going to happen, and I hold my breath because I don’t want whatever fantasy  I’m living in to disappear.

“What, say it?” I encourage.

“Baylee, I really like you! Will you be my girlfriend?” I can see the anxiety on his face as he awaits my answer, but he refuses to lose his confidence until after he makes sure that the answer isn’t no.

There is no way I would ever turn him down, and I would think that he would know that. Yet another thing I love about him, he knows how to stay humble. “Of course, I’d love to!”

He turns his head to the side and I hear a small whisper of a ‘YES!’ under his breath. Then he turns his head, “Well then, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to do all summer…..” he looks at me to make sure were on the same page as I lean toward him just a little, “May I?”

I nod. He leans in and kisses me, his soft lips brushing mine. It’s perfect and flawless. Nothing too far just first kiss of many. We smile at each other, and I feel like flying!

We watch as the last of the sliver of sun disappears, off the side of the earth and as the sun floats into the sky. I lean my head on his shoulder as we both wish on the first star of the night, and kiss once more before we regrettably part for the night. Both of us looking forward to the rest of the summer with each other to hold.

(So, I know I was probably supposed to make a list or something, but this story keeps me sane. This would be perfect and any guy that would do this would be the perfect guy for me and I would absolutely love him. I know this is pretty cheesy and there’s absolutely no chance of this ever happening to me, but I can dream, even if my dreams disappoint me in the end. But this is what my perfect guy would be like and how I would be able to act around him. So, day 2 is complete!)

xoxox

~Baylee Miller