Why?

I’m wondering why.

                Why we live to die. Why we love to hurt. Why we speak to be ignore. Why would but all of our trust in other people. Why friends are all we really have to hold onto in the end and when we need them we don’t want them the most. Why we try to understand one another when there’s really no sense. Why we try. Why we work toward this perfect nothing, hoping it ends up being something. Why we hope and dream, just to get our hopes and dreams crushed. Why we confine our deepest thoughts to our best known strangers. Just why?

                As of this moment I feel I am a danger to my own self, my own life, my own existence, and also everyone else’s lives. I feel like if I think about one thing or take one false breath I might fall apart. I might destroy myself. I feel like I should tear myself opening and rip myself apart. Make it so I don’t have to hurt or bother or annoy or confuse or mislead or destroy someone ever again. I don’t want to be a danger to the people in this world. I don’t want to be a danger to myself. I don’t want to make more false assumption that make my heart break. Or lead myself down another road where it’s impossible to keep my thoughts straight. Or but myself down so much to a point where I feel like I’m even lower that dirt and worse than Satan. I just want to be rid of myself, because all I am is harm.

                There are many ways one could get ride of themselves. I’m not going for the path that means suicide though. I don’t want ot be completely gone from the world. I still want to live. I just want to get rid of these thoughts, these feeling and emotions, these actions, these words. This me. I want to rid myself of this “personality”. I want to be gone. I want to be away. How do I do this without becoming a soulless body?

                My mind is in a state of pure unstableness. How is this possible? I don’t even have a rhyme or reason to be feeling this way. Well, probably nothing to good or important. Just the usual woes and worries of my life. Not like I’m having overly terrible guy problems, or experienced a death or loss, or had anything too major happen to me. I just feel so helpless, and small, and alone. I’m no help. It’s my job as a friend to help. There’s nothing I can do. Am I gonna get fired from my job? Am I going to get demoted. I’m the one who gives the advice, I’m the one she’s supposed to turn to for help, and she did. But I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m no good in this situation. There’s no reason I should be feeling so terrible right now, she’s the one who feels bad, I should not be worrying about myself right now. But I can’t stop.

                I can’t even calm down right now. I think I need to sleep. I wonder if I can. Being left alone with my thoughts that may be dangerous.

                Good Night.

                Baylee Jean Miller

                xoxox