Rejected??

Rejected.

                No, not really I guess. It just feels like whenever I try to hang out with people from last year, the answers always no. I asked him if wanted to go to the mall next weekend. He said no, he’s going to be at his dad’s. He said if I’d have asked him this weekend he would have. Well, I didn’t ask him this weekend. Sorry, it’s not much of a constellation, but thanks I guess. Hmp, oh well I’ll get over it. It’s just I haven’t seen him in a while, I miss him. He knows that, oh well, some other time.

                He got offline soon after; he got offline so he could go play Black Ops. Sigh. I told him it was all cool, and to have fun at his dad’s house. Then I told him next time he’s online he needs to explain to me what’s so great about that game. Seriously, what’s it even about? I’m dying to know. I might even like it, if I knew what it was. I doubt it, I’m not really a video game type of person.

                I hope he can hang out sometime soon, it’d be nice to see him. It’s been… what now, eight and a half months. Yeah, it’s been eight and a half months. Miranda and Andrew are supposed to be going to the mall next weekend with me, anyway. I guess it’ll be fun. I guess. I wish more people would come. I miss the old days.

                I miss the day when I would get about 12-14 people to go to the mall, we’d all go see a movie and hang out at the mall afterward. They were usually my friends, though I’ll admit, there was usually one or two people I didn’t like. Oh well, that doesn’t matter. The point was that I could hang out with everyone, and we would laugh and have fun. I haven’t done that in forever. Actually I haven’t done that since my birthday party on July 10^th. It needs to happen soon.

                I guess that doesn’t matter though… I could NEVER get him to go.

                I couldn’t back then, why would I be able to know?

                Why do I even try?

                xoxoxo

                ~Baylee Jean

What is love?

                Dear blog,

                I’m currently trying to figure out if today has been good, or if it has completely sucked. No it didn’t all suck. I suppose, I had a good history class; who am I kidding, I always have a good history class. We played review basketball. It ended in a tie; we have to play overtime on Monday. I think the day just went downhill from there, in Spanish I learned that I can’t spell worth a crap in English or Spanish, at lunch Justice was being annoying and yelling at everyone for no reason (I don’t know what’s up with her but she really needs to get over it); in art my plastered arm is probably 3X the size of a regular looking arm because I’ve had to put so many layers of plaster on it, the fingers look ridiculous, the whole this is terrible; in geometry, well do I really have to say anything, it was math after all; in English we did WITT statements, which I don’t like, and apparently it’s part of the final; and in Biology we took a test. Yeah, I guess today sucked.

                What is love? Is it worth it? The Nightingale seemed to think it was worth it, she gave her life just so some ungrateful, naïve scholar could have a rose. What did the scholar do, he threw it in the gutter. What an idiot! So the nightingale was dumb and so was the scholar, wow, so it’s a lose-lose situation. Great. Does love even exist? Is it hidden in faraway caves, or hiding on deserted islands? I do not think it is possible for it to be here, in fact, I know that it isn’t. There is no one around for me, no one that would like to be ‘the one’, not here at least. I don’t think I’ll ever find him. I’m not sure I even want to. From everything I see around me, it just seems like it hurts too much. He either: leads you on, falls for someone else, isn’t who you think he is, doesn’t know you exist, or disappears. Sounds like fun, does it not? Why would anyone want to deal with that, how could anyone ever put themselves through that.

                Love. Yeah, I’ve experienced the feeling before. What happened? I only ended up sad, missing him, and hurt. I’m just trying to figure out if I really want to experience it again. What have I done for love. Not much. I just spent a lot of time, wrote myself a few short rhymes. That’s about it.

                If it is worth it, does it even matter? Will someone eventually some around, or will I be stuck searching when it’s obvious that I’m not going to find anyone? So, I’ll spend my whole life searching for someone who might not even exist? Wow, that sounds like a good way to spend my life on earth. Really, it does. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) He should be walking the earth as we speak. What is he doing? Why isn’t he here!?

                I don’t think he’ll ever show up because he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to be there. He doesn’t know who I am, he probably doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know how to be ‘the one’. He probably doesn’t want to be the one. And if he does, he’s probably too perfect. I would probably end up hurting him, or he would know he would end up hurting me. He is probably having this debate with himself. At least, he might be. I want to know.

                Is the thing of fairytales real? I know life isn’t/can’t always be a fairytale, but is it possible that those things actually happen? True love? The idea had to have come from somewhere; someone must have seen it happen at one point. Who were the two lucky people to experience this? I envy them.

                I want to experience love, to know that it exist. I’m just not sure if it does, and I’m not fond of the idea of getting hurt when I learn that there really is no such thing. I want someone to share my interest with, someone to be there with me when I’m alone, and someone who will encourage me to do what I want. I need that. I do not think that there is such a person out there. I have been proven right so far. I haven’t found him; just a bunch of people whom I try to convince myself are him. They are nothing but fake imitations. I have wasted much time on them, and I will never get that time back.

                If you he really does exist, and I let him read this. I want to say I’m sorry if I ever hurt him. I’m not sure if love is worth it and I don’t know how it works. I’m not sure I’m sold on the thought. The idea of love sounds wonderful, but the hurt of it sounds too painful to bare. I wish I could give all the time I’ve wasted on those fakes and give it back to him. I’m sorry, I’m not a time traveler, and I can’t do that. If he does read this. I want to say, I must have found some reason to believe in him and he must be truly wonderful. I love him. He doesn’t exist at the moment, he might not ever exist, but I already love him in my heart. The thought of knowing that I love him so much already and I don’t even know him yet, it hurts.

                Love. What is it? Is it worth it?

                I wonder.

                xoxoxoxo

                ~Baylee Jean

The Perfect Guy

Hey there,

                Today is January 13^th, 2011. I’m not going to lie; today was a fairly good day. My science teacher allowed me to take my quiz during class so I got to do other English homework during tutoring. Hence the reason I am able to write this blog post with ease.

                As of the moment I am watching House of Anubis on Nickelodeon; I’m watching the new episode even though I haven’t watched any of the other ones. Well, I have one thing to say: Sexy British Guys. I know that sounds really typical high school, American, girl, but it’s so true. Go on Google images and look up Bobby Lockwood, he plays a character called Mick. I don’t think I really like his character, but I’ve only seen one episode so I’m not sure, but he is definitely hot. There are a few more guys on the show that are good-looking as well, but he’s the one that really caught my eye.

List of Good Qualities:

1.       Shaggy, long hair, that sweeps almost over the eyes.

2.       Accents. Yes it’s true; I love a good English accent. (or most almost any other accent).

3.       Good sense of style, just dressed nice. Not necessarily fancy just nice. I mean, I;m fine with jeans and a t-shirt, it just has to look nice.

4.       Eyes. Nice eyes, deep, bright or really dark. Mysterious or knowing. Eyes are one of the first things I notice, other than hair, but hair is not nearly as important (your eyes are always yours, but hair you can cut).

You think I’m shallow now don’t you? Well I sure hope you do. That was all a list of qualities that are nice to have, but they are not necessary. They all have to do with looks and attractiveness, I’m not that shallow. Looks are not as important as personality. I’m just saying that if I don’t know a person, these are the type of things I first notice.

List of Good Personality Traits:

1.       Sweet. I’m shy and a guy needs to be able to understand that and be sweet and sincere about that. I won’t always be the one talking to him first; I want him to talk to me first sometimes. If I’m sad he needs to understand that and me nice about it, and be sweet by trying to understand the situation.

2.       Funny. I want a guy that can cheer me up when I need it (I usually need it), I want him to be funny, but not all the time. He should be funny when it’s appropriate to be funny, but when it’s not, or I’m not in the mood, he’ll be able to understand that.

3.       Adventurous. He wants to do things in life. He wants to go places, travel the world, and do new and exciting things. He won’t think that my ideas and dreams are crazy or unrealistic; he’ll encourage me and believe in my dreams almost as much as I do.

4.       Dreamer. He needs dreams, and he needs to want to follow them. They have to be big dreams that he really, really wants to follow. They have to be dreams that mean the world to him; they have to be one of the most important things in the world to him. He has to know what dreams are, and cherish, encourage, and believe in them.

5.       Romantic. Yeah, mostly a true romantic. Not all the time necessarily, but he has to know about all the cheesy clichéd stuff, and use it in our relationship. Red roses. Kisses under fireworks or mistletoe. Little surprises. You know what I’m talking about, the stuff that happens in movies. No, I’m not saying that the entire relationship has to be like this, but it’s nice having those things in life every once and a while. It’s nice feeling like fairytales really do exist.

Do I sound less shallow now? I’m not saying he has to be all these qualities, all the time; everyone has a bad day everyone once and a while, plus it’s impossible to be completely perfect. I know that, I’m not that crazy. I just want someone special.  Yeah, I know, now I sound like I have too high of expectations. I probably do, and that’s probably why I haven’t met him yet. He must be out there though, right? I know he is, I think. Is he? Well, I’m going to continue looking for him.

        So, there, that’s my description of the perfect guy.

        I think I’m going to go know. Oh, by the way I figured out my English dilemma. I used an old short story that I wrote this summer. It’s called Thirst. My English teacher is probably going to concerned when she reads it, she’s going to think I need serious help. Maybe I do, hahaha. She read some of it today (I needed help finding irony and foreshadowing in it); she said it was good but creepy. I think it’s pretty well written.

        Tomorrow is Friday. Thank goodness!

xoxoxo

~Baylee Jean

Stressed and depressed.... and some random

Ughh.
Did you notice that I haven’t blogged at all this week? Yeah, well that means I have to for everyday the rest of this week, which will probably be a very stressful task. I’ve spent this entire week doing a mixture of review before midterm exams, learning last minute new material, and recovering from everything I missed last week. Mostly the third thing. I stay have to stay at school till four tomorrow for tutoring so that I can make up two quizzes that I missed, biology and Spanish. I also have to take one during the day that I missed in math class. I hate school. I think I’ve said this probably a million times, and I probably sound like a really dumb person. I’m not dumb, I’m getting all A’s and B’s and I go to a college prep school; not to sound pompous but I think I’m kind of smart. I really I am starting to hate school though; most of the material I am learning is irrelevant to my life and there are many more experiences that I need to have, or want to have, other than high school. I’m not saying I don’t want an education, yes some of the material I’m learning is going to be important. I just wish I could learn in a different environment. I think it would be really cool to be homeschooled or online schooled while I travel around the country in a RV, or something like that. I want to travel and learn better from experiences. Does anyone else agree? Or is it just me? I seriously feel like I’m going no where, and I am getting absolutely nothing important out of this, except AP classes.
Anyway, rant over. That’s one thing I love about blogging, I can rant and no one can yell at me for it, or interrupt me.
Next topic. Today in AP World History we got way off topic. It was okay though because we had just finished out notes for the semester, and we all kind of needed it. So anyway, we were talking about our homework, it was written by some person named Jack. Well, one girl asked if my teacher had ever watched Pirates of the Caribbean (because she was thinking about Jack Sparrow, because the authors name was Jack) and he said ‘ Yes, the first one was brilliant!’ then we all laughed because the way he said it made it seem like he hated the others. Then he was talking about how he couldn’t think of many movies where the sequel was better than the first one. Then he said that he could think of one movie where the sequel was better, and he said “Back to the Future II”. Then he asked how many of us had actually seen Back to the Future. I of course raised my hand (one of the best movies ever, and it IS the best 80’s movie, for sure), but then I told him “Yeah it’s good, but the first one is way better!” Then he looked at me like I was crazy, and he went into this whole lesson based around back to the Future.
Here’s how it went: “Okay the best part of Back to the Future II is when Doc is writing on the board about the alternate future, (well first he had to explain to everyone what the movie was about but I’ll keep that out for sake of time). So Doc draws a straight timeline on the board and explain how since the past and future was changed they had created an alternative 1985 (or present time). Well if you think of this, this is true. I mean, we have infinitive different alternate futures ahead of us. One little thing could change what happens to your future, one path could leave you homeless and one path could leave you rich, famous, and happy. It’s important to think about things this way so that you can actually take control of your own future. This is so cool to think of!”
The whole thing really did make me think and it something fun to get off topic about. Plus I was actually excited to know that I understood what he was talking about. In a way it kind of tied in with history. I still think that the first Back to the Future was better but I see how he justifies it. Then this guy in my class, Jesse, said that the third was the best and we all looked at him like he was insane. His only reason was because the doc was cowboy; that is such a guy answer. I think we all decided to tune Jesse out after that. Anyway, the moral of the story. There are so many different ways your future could go and the actions you take in the process decides your future, and also Back to the Future is one of the best movies ever!
I really hope I sleep well tonight, otherwise I might just die of lack of sleep. Luckily my first class tomorrow is art, so I can try to sleep with my eyes open, we probably won’t be doing much. I’m talking to Katelyn and Travis on Facebook Chat. Travis is lucky, a water ppipe broke at his school and now he doesn’t have school tomorrow. I really wish I went to Wellspring sometimes. Well most times. Well not really because I just don’t like school in general so.
I have to write a short story for English Class and it’s a big chunk of my grade, guess what, I haven’t even started! I can’t think of anything, short stories are not my thing. Especially for school. I’m just not good at sticking to one plot and making it under 1,200 words. I am more of a novelist. I also have to study my butt of this weekend. Wish me good luck, I despratly need it.
Well, I’m going to talk to Travis(it’s weird talking to him on Chat, because he usually talks through messages) and Kate for a few minutes, then go to sleep. G’night everyone.
xoxoxo
~Baylee Jean