Erase Existence??

Is it possible to disappear, or to quit existing?

                How to make one’s self a being of nothing but a shadow of a person that used to be there. A person that used to burden and hurt others, cry, suffer, overthink things, make life only more difficult for everyone else. How could a person live with themselves knowing they only cause pain and annoyance to everyone they know, everyone they’ve ever cared about? The only way they could live with themselves is by knowing that they’d only cause more of a burden for everyone if they eliminated themselves.

                I can’t be left alone in my own mind, otherwise those sort of thoughts creep up on me, and they threaten to kill me. They get into my thoughts and they ruin my dreams and fantasies; they make me realize how worthless I am and how low and disgraceful I’ve become. They make me realize that I have nothing good to leave behind into the world.

                I realize everything at least one minute after it has already happened, I’m always a step behind—sometimes even two steps. Maybe, that’s what I’m worried about in the current situation. (Of course Conner’s the only person that knows what I mean by the current situation, right now he’s the only person I can tell…). Maybe I’m crazy to ever believe anything could ever come from this. Maybe, I’m delusional. And maybe I’ve been wrong from the beginning.

                Maybe, they’ve been laughing at me all this time instead of trying to get closer to me; maybe I’m so delusional even they can see it, and it makes them feel batter to have someone they can laugh at. Maybe, I’ve read all the signs wrong and I’m thinking too much into things that mean absolutely nothing. Maybe, they just think I’m a bitch that needs to stay away from them. Maybe, I’m just going crazy right now and should stop writing this because I’m only making myself crazier. Maybe, one day I’ll learn the truth. Maybe, it’s time someone tries to figure something out for once instead of just watching it pass by hoping it’ll turn to them and give them all the answers. Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe they hate me. Maybe they like me. Maybe they just don’t care, doesn’t seem they do about much else, why would this be any different?

                Really I don’t know what I’ve been thinking about lately. None of this makes the slightest bit of sense to me. After all this time how could this all just become “clear” to me. Is it really that complicated to understand how you feel for someone? You’d think it would be easier to tell, either you like someone or don’t. No, it obviously doesn’t work that way.

                He’s a good guy, smart, and generally nice to me. At least I think he’s nice to me. He talked to me a little today….

                One of these days I’ll figure out the truth, let’s just hope it doesn’t tear me to pieces….

                Love,

                xoxox

                ~Baylee Jean

Just checking in

Hello,

At this moment I am desperately confused.

I really don’t know what to make of the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head. They’re all crazy and I’m not sure there are any solutions to my questions… great, just great.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hopeless for me to even try. I only end up hurting myself and others along the way. Even when I don’t do it knowingly.

Is there any way this will work out?

Mostly I’m just writing to say hey. I haven’t written in a while. I will soon. Summer will be here in exactly 10 days. We’re at the end of June 1, 2011 and I couldn’t be any happier to say it’s almost over…. But that leaves me with a lot of questions as well…. Here I go again…..

Love,

Baylee Jean

xoxox

Post written on May 19th 2011

Hey,

I’m in math class right now; Well, actually I’m in the media center after NWEA. Figured I’d give you an update on life. My last post may have left you a little, I don’t know: Concerned, worried, mad, angry, upset. Either way, those aren’t good feelings.

Although sometimes I wish I could escape from the world, from everyone, I’d never do it. Although, some people bug the crap out of me I’d never leave them; even if they want me to leave. I wish they could all understand me but I guess I’m just a little too complex to figure out. I should have expected that I suppose. Well, it’s over now. I gave up and now everyone can be happy again. I don’t see why to make everyone happy I have lose or forfeit, but it doesn’t really matter as long as they’re happy I don’t care. I hate being the burden that everyone is carrying, mid as well make the load a little lighter.

The only thing that hurts me is how quick my friends are to let me go. I mean I wasn’t testing them or anything but throughout the whole thing I realized that if I decided to pack up and leave this instant no one would fight to have me stay. I guess that’s my own fault though, huh. If I’m not worth a last stand, a begging cry to have me stay; then I must not be worth much. Now that I think about it, I’m really not. I’m trying not to spill all my feeling out onto this page like I did last time. God only knows how much I need another blog response from Miranda. (No offense Miranda but that made me feel like crap during art class today…but I deserve it).

I’ve decided to take a leave of silence. Well, not exactly a leave of silence. Just from now on I’m just going to say what others want to hear. It doesn’t matter who thinks what or who does what in this world as long as you don’t contradict the feelings of others then everyone remains happy. Everyone remains out of your business. From now on I’ll just lock myself in and listen. I don’t want to be that person that only hurts, causes trouble, and ruins life and happiness for everyone. I just want to be the person that someone can rely on, someone that’s always there for someone, someone that you can tell anything to, I just want to be someone that other people like. That’s my only goal anymore: Be likeable, to my friends, my family, everybody. As long as I’m likable.

You wouldn’t think it’d be that hard of a task, nodding and agreeing. But when you have so many opinions inside your head and heart. It can be like stabbing yourself in the gut. But as long as I keep a needle and thread with me at all times I can sew up my wounds and cover them pretty well. Apparently that’s what this blog is going to become; you’re going to be my needle and thread. I know that’s a hard burden but you’ll take it well, won’t you? Please agree because I have nothing else willing to accept the job. You’re the only thing I will ever tell what’s really going on. I think that means that when I remember this blog is going to become completely private; it’s better that way.

So from now on, here’s to a “better me”.

Baylee Jean

Decieved. poem

Leave me alone

Watch me break on my own.

Leave me broken,

I regret all the words I’ve ever spoken.

Leave me in pain

I’ve already gone insane.

Leave me to cry,

Won’t be long before I die.

Leave me,

Doesn’t matter, you already deceived me.