Snowflake.

Why can't I be a snowflake?

A wonder-less piece of snow. 

I could chill the earth and make time seem to stop.

And when time comes I can melt.

Why Can't I Be A Snowflake?

 

2012 is next year.... BRING IT!

Today I realized that it's almost 2012. 

It's almost been one year since I started writing this blog,  I've almost lived another full year. 

I also realized that this earth has also been around another year. Of course what would bring this thought into my head, the Mayan calendar. According to it, we're all supposed to die next year. Now, the thought of dying doesn't sound fun, especially if the earth is supposed to explode or some crap like that. Although I don't really believe that the world will end next year, simply because it's been predicted, I think it very well may be a possibility. I know for a fact that I will be nearly scared to death when December 21, 2012 comes around next year. So I think I'm going to be one of those people that actually faintly believes that it's going to happen.

And with this I come to my point. Next year, I'm going to do everything I can, anything I want. I'm not going to give a rip about what other people tell me because hell, if it's my last year alive then I'm going to live it. And if the world surprises me and decides to live another year then at least I'll have a few interesting stories to tell in the future. Right?

Tomorrow I'm going to start writing my list of things I must do in 2012. 

I'm not trying to say I'll be completely reckless, no I haven't lost my sanity. I'm just saying I'm going to do what I want, because I want to do it. If people want to join me then sure, and if they don't then they don't have to. If they join me anyway and don't want to then that's their own fault. There are just somethings you have to say you did when you die.

Next year is sure gonna be something. 

Go ahead 2012. Do your worst. You may kill me, but ultimately only I'll be allowed to destroy myself.

What's the point?

I'm in Spanish class right now. Math class is over, thank goodness. 
Today in Math class we had to get with whomever went to our middle school and sing the song that they taught us to learn the quadratic formula. That left me in a group with Alex Murietta and Tellious Scott. Yeah, a grand total of three people that went to Vanguard that are in my Algebra II class. And we were suppose to sing the quadratic formula in the tune of "Pop-goes-the -Weasel", well actually I didn't sing and neither did Alex, we just stood there awkwardly as we left Tellious to sing. After that Durga had to point out the fact that I was "embarrassed" and I thought I could just chill in the back of the classroom (where my seat it) until class was over. About a half hour later he said "I hope we had a little fun and learned something, but I can tell that Baylee just hates it" when I clearly wasn't paying any attention, so I said "Huh?" Durga isn't bad, but I feel like he's the one teacher that doesn't think I'm a good student. Or not that I'm not a good student, he just sees past me. I hate teachers like that, not meaning I hate Durga, I just get annoyed at the end of lessons, and for that very reason I don't feel like doing the homework, and because I don't do the homework I don't turn it in, and because I don't turn it in he doesn't think I"m a capable student. It really goes full circle.
However, I did not start this post to talk about school, or Durga, or Math, or any of that crap I don't give much a care about. No I told Miranda I would write this post, and so, I am writing this post. I keep my word. I guess...


She asks me: "How do you feel about him, how much do you like him?" 
I try to tell her that it really isn't important and that it doesn't matter anyway, but she insists that it does.
So I'm telling you.
His name is Dakota Miller. 
Yeah, another guy with the same last name of me. I swear I'm the only person that has this dilemma. I mean it's not a big problem, no, it's just weird. First Alex, now Dakota. If we become good friends I'll get the "You should marry Alex, because then you wouldn't have to change your last name." issue even more than I did before. I can handle that though, without blushing probably not, but I can still handle it. 


His background information (let's pretend I'm a cool international spy making a profile for the alleged criminal): 
Name: Dakota Miller
Birthday: November 1st
Age: 17 years old. There's the first semi-strange thing for me. This would be the oldest person I've liked so far in my life. Not that 17 is particularly old, not I don't actually see a problem in his age. It's just different. I mean it's only 2 years older. And he doesn't really act like he's any old.
School: Home-schooled (internet school). Another new things, he doesn't go to my school, or any school for that matter. He actually did go to Grand River for half the year last year, he was in my Biology class. I didn't really pay much attention to him then though, didn't seem like the type of person that would want to talk to me. And then when the seating chart did place us at the same table, when I would have been forced to talk to him, yeah that's when he left school. I wonder if he realizes if he would have just waited one more month we could have become face-to-face friends... School doesn't seem like one of his top priorities, that's what I have to say about that.... but he's a good guy... and he's not stupid.
Hair color: Brown. I'm quite curious to see what it looks like now that he got it cut, but he said that it didn't really look much different (yet he hated it). Me and Miranda had a conversation about how he is a rock with fluffy hair. Simply because Miranda is mean and so am I because I had to agree because of how true it is... his hair it like a giant fluff-ball on the top of his head.... I'm honestly not sure if he combs it, but it doesn't look bad on him, but his hair could be like flippin' fantabulous if he tried.
Eye color: Oh gosh...we've had this conversation before, me and him. But i can't remember for the life of me.
Friends: (close friends at least..) Conner Johnson and Ryan Rheyer. 
^^And that dear people is probably the only reason he ever started talking to me in the first place. So depending on hoe tragically my desires end I will either have to greatly thank Conner, or I'll have to chop him into a million pieces, throw those pieces into a fire, put the ashes in a urn, bury the urn, bulldoze the area where the urn was buried, and then throw the urn into the ocean. That's how badly I think this could end.


It all happened a little after I started talking to Conner, after I met him and was well on my way to become friends with Mr.Johnson. Out of nowhere he started talking to me on Facebook. I am fairly certain it was sometime in the beginning of April. We talked about a lot of things that night, music and religion being the main things I remember... we've talked about many things since then. Although there have been long stretches in between time we've talked. It seems as if at certain times he has had no interest in talking to me and has gotten offline when I started talking to him. However, that hasn't happened for a while now, so I guess I won't let it bother me. Not now anyway, I have other things to worry about. He said he started talking to me because he needed more friends and Conner had started talking to me too so I guess it was kind of a forfeit. It was just a shot in the dark, the luck of chance.


However, I know that he just sees me as a friend. There have been so many things that prove it. (however there are other things that seem to point against it...) Half the time before he leaves he said "ttyl friend" it's kind of like a slap in the face... and the other day, that just blew it out of the water and proved it, he said: "Seeya later BIIOOOOTTCCHHHHHHHH". Then he claimed that he was hyper. I laughed it off "um...okay. Talk to ya later. Silly boy" and then he left. It just took away any hope that I had about us. But I still want us to happen...


Oh, did I mention I've only met him a total of two times... yeah that's right, two. The first time was a complete disaster. It was Conner's birthday party, at Craig's Cruisers, on September 19th. I had made a bet with Miranda: $5 that he wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't say a single word to me. Guess what. I won that bet. I didn't say anything to him either, whether it was because I wanted to win or not. We just didn't talk. At all. I spent the whole night, waiting for him to say something for me. I feel like I wasted that night. I was watching him the whole time, watching, waiting. Not a word. Yeah, that night was awful. I remember I spent the night at Miranda's afterwards and I spent like 15 minutes in her bathroom crying. I even wrote a post about it on here. I felt awful and sad and worthless. How could one boy do that to me? How?! 


The second time, we planned together. That gave me hope because he actually invited me to hangout with him, he wanted to see me. And then the time came, and we barely talked again. It was an awful time. AWFUL. Neither of us had a good time. It is obvious from the conversations we had about it, how much of an idiot I am because i'm all shy. Sounds like now he's sorta ready to try it again.


But what should I invite him to... and how do I get the courage to talk to him.


(It is now 7:07 pm, I'm home.)


Miranda asked me, on a scale of 1-10, ten being the best, how much do you like him. It's really hard to tell right now, like, I've never felt this way about a person before, but I'm not sure if that's good or not. In one way I would say about 8 or 9 but in the other sense I can see a 4 or 5. Simply because I really like him but I could also see myself with other people. Well I mean I find other people very nice. But he's the one that sticks out the most... you decide if you want to believe 8 or 9 or 4 or 5. It doesn't matter.


I guess I'll post this, cause once he gets online tonight I'll have regretted writing this post and doubting myself. Here you go, Miranda. This is what I think. and you probably hate this post cause it's so stupid. I AM SO STUPID.


Dakota, what do you think about me. 


I mean the boy has given me "relationship advice" telling me to just go for it. I bet he'd regret it if he neew it was him I would just be going for...


Sigh... I will destroy myself.


Love,
Baylee Jean







(I just answered someone on how to spell epiphany...)

20-25 Minutes Free to Write in English

Time is of the essence.
How shall I spend it.
I'm wasting it now I guess, imprisoned in school. But to someone else this is a dream come true. This life I'm living, there's someone out there who would give anything, anything to have everything I am. So, I best not waste that.
I've given much advice lately. Then I turn around, look in the mirror, and realize how much of a hypocrite I am.
The other way I told Miranda that this world is testing us. That's why we face all the things we do. Every little decision that we must make is something that this world has put there to test us. They just want to see how we handle it, and in all honesty it doesn't matter how you handle, just as long as you do handle it. Obstacles will continue getting in our way, simply because it's the way life works. That's why we've got to keep handling them, they aren't something you can just "put on the back burner" or simply pretend they don't exist. Cause then you don't exist. You gotta push on and move forward 'cause then all the problems just keep piling up and soon you're crushed underneath them. CRUSHED.
I've dealt with the problems in front of me. But another problem has been put in my way, a vary very tricky one. Have my decisions been the correct ones, or have a failed all together.

Love,
Baylee Jean

(This poor sub, she decided to get interested in what these people's play is about in English and then they started explaining it, got a bit more than she wanted to hear I reckon.)

Envious.

I am envious.
Envious of them all.
That child, playing in the street. What I wouldn't give to be in that spot. When every move or thought I made didn't cause some sort of internal infliction, drama, or pain. When I could say anything, and they wouldn't think I was crazy, or cynical, just a child with a childish brain. When did that change. On what day in my life did it all change, so that everything I do comes back at me. It would be lovely to just be careless sometimes without having to face a consequence, to take a day away and not have to relive what I missed, to say what I mean and mean what I say without having to regret it because it hurt somebody else, to be free of these chains that someone trapped me in. Is there a key and lock, and if I get out, do I win?
Maybe this is karma. What goes around comes back around. And if that case is true then it suddenly all makes sense. I'm getting back all the trouble that I've dished out. I'm being paid back for every action; starting with the stolen pretzel. That's why my life has become this. This year has not been all that I've wished, but wishes don't come true for those who don't deserve them.
So that's why, that's why. I hate all my classes and  the people in them. Last year I had kids I liked and could compete with. Sometimes it feels like they've moved on when I got left back, simply because I don't know how to act. With these kids, this new set of kids I've been placed with. They are far different from me, and compared to last year that's hard to believe. Later I'll create a list of the people in those classes who I miss. But I already know that I deserve this.
Karma's the reason, my friends are falling apart. I see the seams are slowly ripping apart. I'm letting them leave, I'm not going to force them to stay, and I understand why they should leave. Thank you Karma for taking the most important people away from me. They'll all side against me, but they are fighting their own wars against me. They'll pair off and group away, and I'm here left in the dust. I see in my near future a lunch table to myself. Thank you Karma for making me hate myself.
Is Karma also the reason I've had to put up with a Titanic. Something that could float so easily, and takes that as challenge to try to sink. These chains come from them, you see I haven't always worn them. They're new, still shining metal. Not as rusted and old as the chains binding me to the earth. I must have let down my guard at some point, I thought it was safe to do so. And right at that moment, she threw me to the ground, tangled me up in the chains, and clicked the lock shut. I see the lock right in plain sight, it's there right in front of me, but where is the key? I got far more tangled up in all this nonsense than I ever wanted to be. Thank you Karma for making me weak. So weak that I never know what to say or think. Thank you Karma for making me over think everything so thoroughly.
There are other things but I don't think I could blame Karma for them. Like the Moose and how I stand with him. Or my grades and how I just don't seem to care anymore. Thank you Karma for making me an even worse person for wanting to blame you for things that I have obviously brought upon myself. I should be able to handle them myself, but I don't know how or won't let myself. Thank you Karma for making me feel so worthless.
Thanks a lot.
Sure, karma's a bitch. But so am I.

This Mid-West Town is gonna miss you...

unless the town isn't in the mid-west and the people really won't miss you...

I understand your reasons for falling away from me, but I also understand my own for making it so. I know my reason for all the things I say and do (unless it's what I say to Mr. Dakota, cause then I'm completely confused). But why I act the way I do, in my mind it makes clear sense. You won't understand, I don't expect you to, and you'll all eventually leave me because of it. I'm going to miss you. But it makes perfect sense.