Am I Okay?- Poem

People have begun to notice,

they see something different,

something wrong.

They ask me,

'what's wrong'

What's wrong?

You ask like you really care,

like what I say will make some sort of change.

Life you're going to try to help.

So I say,

'nothing, nothing at all'

You proceed on,

you ask and ask,

what's wrong, wrong, wrong!

All I want now is you,

gone.

It doesn't matter what's wrong,

all that should matter is something is,

is very wrong.

Does it matter what the problem is?

Something is wrong.

But I don't tell you that,

'I'm tired, that's all'

Tired. Tired.

I slept like a baby last night,

no way in hell

that I'm 'tired'.

And at that point you say

'okay, if you're sure.'

and I nod,

I nod because I know,

I know that if I told you-

if I told you:

If I told you that I'm angry,

mad at the world and the way that we have chosen

to work our earth like another steel-piped wired machine.

If I told you that I'm ashamed,

upset with the decisions I've mad and regretting

the things I didn't have the courage to do.

If I told you that I'm scared,

deathly afraid of losing everyone I love

and having them give up on me because-

I'm not good enough.

If I told you I'm confused,

so much to the point that I don't know who I am anymore;

You wouldn't say a thing.

Or worse,

you'd look at me like I'm crazy,

like I'm too far gone.

You'd put your hands up in surrender,

'well jeez, who knew life sucked so bad.'

As you walked away,

you're thoughts hateful toward me.

Because I know,

you want to hear:

“I'm doing just swell!

I'm beautiful and proud.

I know my dreams are coming true,

and I'm happy.

Glad I could spend this moment with you.

I believe in fairy tales.

My grades are great and I'm gonna make it

far.

The Lord is my god and I know

he's got a place in heaven saved for me.”

But I can't say it.

I can't say it because I know,

I will never look like the models

on tv.

He will never love me.

So, I can't say that I'm beautiful.

My temper is awful,

and I bite at the souls

of those I love.

How could I dare be proud?

I feel like I'm trapped

doing the same thing day after day.

I don't even know what my dreams are anymore.

The prince rode off a long time ago,

leaving me in the cold:

scared and shy.

Fairytales are a lie.

I couldn't get my grade up in A.P. Gov.

if I gave my last breath for it.

Getting a C is average,

I guess it fits.

I know they're all better than I.

Am I going to make it out of high school alive?

I pray and hope,

I feel God there,

but I wonder

if He really cares about the teenage girl

praying with all her might that her kitty cat will just make it through the night.

I never know what to say.

If I'm positive then I'm lying.

If I'm negative, I'll scare you away.

So please stop asking,

“Are you okay?”

Bored.. Duh.

 I'm writing this in A.P. Government right now...

I honestly don't want to be here. Yesterday my mom allowed me to skip school for absolutely no reason. Yeah, yesterday was amazing. I tried it again today, but I knew it wouldn't work. It almost did though. She things that there's something wrong. Like, really wrong. Worrying my mother is so very easy to do. I'm not the only one that hasn't been themselves lately. In all honesty, I don't think I've been that off. Maybe a little more negative that usual, but not that bad. I don't think. No one is telling me otherwise (besides my mother) and no one has really cared to change anything so... I guess there's nothing wrong.

Today I have heard three references to Tumblr, or things I've found on Tumblr...I must find my classmates on there, and stalk them, but never add them. I don't need all these people seeing my Tumblr. I don't even like half of them. But that's a whole different story.

I really want to write a poem. But I can't think of what to write. Or rather I can, I just don't know how to say it. How to say these things in my mind. And make them...almost rhyme? Poetry doesn't have to rhyme they say, but they do have to flow. I think that may be my problem, I've lost my flow. Flow. Hmmm...

Dear God,

Dear God,

I know I don't talk to you much, seems I only come to you in times of need. And I know I'm not worthy of saying this prayer. I've done many things wrong by you, and I've dealt in my fair share of sin. But, I need to ask you something important. So, please, if you could take time out of your forever busy schedule, I'd be forever humbled.
You already know about Daisy. Which is why I'm sure you probably already know what I'm going to ask. But the bible says, "Ask and you shall receive" so that's why I'm heard. Lord, there is something wrong with her. I could think of a long list of things that I think is wrong, but in all honesty why would you want to hear those, when it comes down to it, you're the only one that truly knows what's wrong with her. So, I'll make it simple, she's sick. Hurting. And she doesn't deserve it.
All I want to ask you, God, is that you watch over her. Daisy. Ms.Daisy Miller. She's been in my family, probably no less than 7-6 years. She was born in this house. She was Sassy's first daughter. She is the most loyal cat I've ever known or had. So, please god, if you could keep her safe, it would mean the world to me right now. If you could keep her alive, and not suffering, I'd be forever in your debt, even more than I already am. If you could help us, help her to get better. I would be beside myself with gratitude. Lord, I know I've probably never done any good for you. I know that I probably don't deserve this. But she's a good cat, God. She is the best. Please, oh please my lord. Be with her.
All I can say now is thank you, the fate in this rest with you.
Thank you for all you've given me, thank you for everything. I know I don't say thank you enough and I'm sorry. Sorry for everything.
Thank you, God.
I love you.
Amen.

I think I'm finally catching up??

Is it possible that life might finally be catching up with me? Or, I'm catching up with it? I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, it's just I feel like I actually have a story to tell again. Like, if one day a child were to ask me about these day, then I'd have something to tell them. You know what I mean? Not that it's all necessarily good, but it is something. I feel like I have more to leave behind with me now. I have SOMETHING at least. This month has probably been the worst one I've had in a while, maybe in my life. It has also been one of the ones with the most things happening, so many things going on, so many things happening. Most have not been...good, but, well, not much I can say. It's certainly been...interesting. I'm trying to decide how to go about with this blog anymore. I'm losing my capability to write about my life without it sounding crazy, and well, flowing. In all honesty that pretty much is my life, crazy. As I've done before, I guess I'll outline it into sections of my life.

Friends:

Well, I love them all like crazy. But... they are insane. In a way, I sort of feel like I don't fit in with them anymore. I'm just there and I'm being a bother to everyone. I can tell that I'm annoying them. Not that I haven't been annoying them for, like ever. Now it's just far more noticeable, to me at least. Seems to me that if there was a way for me to get out of there hair without being lonely, then they'd want me to take. Would I take it? What would become of me without them? Sometimes, I feel like they're the only ones keeping me sane, and in this place. I'd be a completely different person without them. School would be hell, my parents would make me want to claw my eyes out, and Michigan would be nothing but the place I move throughout every day, not a home or a place to live. Just a place to be. I am thankful for them, and I honestly wonder what would happen if I just cut ties with them. If I sat down at a different lunch table, blocked them from facebook, didn't seek them out at school. How would my life be? Another thing is, I recently learn that one of my friends has a crush on me. I am very disturbed by the matter, simply because I don't know what to say to her. Obviously she must know that nothing will ever come from that, I mean come on, I am 100% straight. So, that has been a big problem. Like, why did she have to tell me. Not that I didn't already have my suspicions. Why do only females like me, then I feel bad cause I don't and never will like them back. Difficult shizz being difficult. I think Miranda hates me right now. I don't really know why. She's seemed really distant lately. I also owe her, big time, because she went to the mall with me with those... “guys”. I went to try to talk to Dakota... in all honesty all she did (and conner) was bore me, Dakota, and Ryan to death with their pokemon playing. But I haven't the slightest clue how to make it up to her. Also I finally decided I'm done with Kate and Conner's relationship. They are technically dating. And getting on my final nerve. Mostly because I'm single and just want someone to cuddle with... hm....I'm bitter, we've been over this. That's about all I got goin' on in the friend department, or all that I can think of at least.

Parents:

Are confusing as hell. One minute we're happy and joking around. The next they're yelling at me for being ungrateful, disrespectful, and an all together disgrace. I really hate them talking to me that way. Sometimes, I swear they haven't the slightest clue who I am. But I guess if I had a perfect relationship with my parents then I wouldn't be a teenage. However, current events have occurred since I wrote that. My cat is getting worse. Daisy, I love you so much. I need you to feel well, you deserve to feel well. What would it take for my mother to see that there's something seriously wrong with my dear kitty? Something terrible probably. My mother, like millions of others, block out what is wrong in the world, and then gives blame to others. Finally, she decided to take Daisy to the vet on Thursday. Finally. I just hope there will be a solution to the problem. Somehow through the process of this it turned into me being ungrateful and wanting too much even though we don't have the money. I'm sorry that my pet got sick when you don't have money, but it's not like I planned it or even wanted it to happen. But it did so, don't blame me.

School:

I don't really think this is important. Maybe some other time we will speak on this. And how I still don't feel like I belong and can't really claim this school as mine, like I'm not worthy of saying that “Grand River Prep” is my school.

Love:

I'm kinda screwed in this department. Under some circumstance, I think I've fallen for Dakota...I know right, like what the hell. I've fallen for a computer screen, which is actually quite understandable. The thing is, he's slightly more than that. We've technically hung out twice now, both were pretty much epic failures, and at the end of both I've felt completely helpless and like a total bitch. I'm just not sure how to talk to him, I'm afraid that if I say something, anything, I'll ruin everything. And that's probably the stupidest thing to say considering without me talking to him, there will be nothing. It makes no sense. I'm afraid he's not going to give me anymore chances to try.

But in all honesty there are much more important things in the world. More important things that I should be thinking about, other than myself. There are things that are bigger than me. Things that I should invest all my attention in.

Daisy, please make it. I love you so much. I love you, ya know that? You've been a very loyal cat to me. Thank you. Please make it, we're trying to get you some help, truly trying. Please be okay. I love you.

~What's left of Baylee Jean Miller