Love Challenge: Day 01

Love Challenge: Day 01- Are you in a relationship right now? If not why do you think you’re single?

       I am currently single. But, of course, I’ve always been single. I’ve only been “asked out” twice, once in elementary school and once in seventh grade. I really don’t count either of them. Being single; I honestly don’t know how to describe it to you. You can be content hangout with your friends, and then you turn the corner and BAM happy couples everywhere. All of a sudden you feel lonely and nothing can get you out of that funk. Well, nothing except the attention of a guy. Which is rather hard to come by nowadays. It seems that Prince Charming doesn’t exist anymore, and if he does then he was not trained very well in the arts of sweeping young maidens off their feet and rescuing damsels in distress. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe there’s a certain type of maiden that the charming young princes fall for. And maybe I’m not it.

       What do those damsels in distress have that I don’t? Well, everything. I’m clearly not the smartest maiden, I’m obviously not the prettiest maiden, and I’m not the most confident maiden. Honestly, I don’t have a clue what any guy could ever see in me. I talk a little too much, I laugh a little too loud, I’m a little too shy, and I’m too opinionated on the ways of the world. I sometimes come off mean when I’m trying to be sweet. I’m not very good at flirting, and when I do get to the stage where I start to flirt with someone, it’s either too obvious or too obnoxious. I can’t think of one reason any guy would want to be with me. Not one.

       If love was a person, she would be the popular girl and I would be the nerd in the tired cliché. She would hate me and bully me for doing everything wrong. Yet I would try to do whatever just so I could to be just like her and I would envy how amazing and lucky she was. Then Loves friendly, popular, charming boyfriend, Crush, would be the best friend that I’d fall in love with. Unfortunately, Crush and I would always talk and I’d get comfortable with him, but he’s never feel quite as comfortable with me because he’s with love; because there has to be love with two people for a crush to ever evolve into anything more. Since I am nothing like Love I would never be able to get crush. Therefore I remain the lonely nerdy, loveless, crushless girl.

I saw HIM today...

There are a lot of things I regret in this life. Whether they be things I wish I could take back or things I wish I would have done. I think most are things I wish I would have done though. Add one more thing to that list today…

I put on “a mask” today. Do you have any clue how painful that is? To pretend you don’t care when really you couldn’t be any happier or any more relieved. I don’t think anyone knows what I’m feeling right now. It’s crazy and I don’t know why I’m letting it get the best of me, but I am and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Today my school went to the college fair. It was fine I guess, it was very crowded, many different schools were there; including his school. Cheerio. The thought had already occurred to me that Wellspring might be there; they are practically just like our school and do everything ours does so why wouldn’t they be there. I looked around to see if I would spot him when we first got there but when I didn’t see him I gave up and forgot about the possibility that he might be there. I should have remembered so I could have anticipated it, at least so I could have been ready to see him. Miranda and I had started walking around and within the first 5 minutes we had already lost Katelyn. We thought she had abandoned us to go walk around with Iain but we were wrong. Of course, I should have known that if she were to abandon us for anyone it would have been Cheerio. I should have known, it was just like old times. I give all my heart away and Katelyn steals the position (no offense Katelyn, Love ya!). After we had gone around and looked at all of the colleges for the first time we went back to the beginning to look for Katelyn. Eventually, we found her. How did I not notice him standing behind her? What happened to the radar, did it really completely disappear? I spent forever with that radar of always knowing where he was, I could sense it, and now it’s all of a sudden gone. If it’s gone where did it go?

Then Katelyn gestured toward him and he turned around. I can’t remember the reaction on my face at that moment. I think for the first few seconds I saw him I had a wide smile and bright eyes, “Oh my goodness, Travis!” and then he swooped in for a hug! I wish I would have cherished that hug, I was so excited to see him that I couldn’t even register it. Then he hugged Miranda who was at the time jumping up and down, “Travis, Travis, Travis!!” After the hugs were exchanged he introduced “the family”, I wish he still referred to all of us that way. They all looked like fairly nice people, but I couldn’t help but think “thank you god for not letting him be with his girlfriend!” I would not have been able to handle it if she had been with him, seeing him “love” her and her the same to him, even though I already know they aren’t truly in love, and they know that too. It would have killed me. I’m just so glad she wasn’t with him. Then he saw Brit and turned around enthusiastically and started to go say hi to her. HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE US THAT EASILY WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GOODBYE! I turned back ever so slightly, “Peace” I said just loud enough so that he would for sure hear me. He did, “oh, byeeeee” By that point my excitement had gone way down, so much to a point I don’t think anyone would have noticed I had ever been excited, and I was in that state-of-mind where you can’t even register things going on outside of you unless they have to do with whatever is distracting you. I was in that state-of-mind that comes right before you realize how hurt you truly are and you think you are just relieved that it’s over. I was in that state-of-mind where I would do anything just to get one last glance at him.

After Miranda and I looked around a little more and went into this really boring workshop about scholarships and finical aid we went into the lobby and waited for our advisors to come. While we were waiting we heard Wellspring Prep called over the intercom that their bus had arrived, once I heard that I was awoken from my trance?”, I said, “over there, yes I think we need to go say goodbye to Travis”! So, I made Miranda follow me as I stalked Travis to his group and said, “We came to say goodbye…” and I put my arms out for a hug and then he hugged me again! This time I didn’t want to let go and I paid attention to what was going on. No I’m going to go a little teen-angst on you so, please just forgive me. His arms are nice and strong and he’s so tall, but he doesn’t seem as tall as he used to considering I’ve grown a few inches. His eyes are still gorgeous; I forced myself to look into them at the last minute just so I could remember them, they are still a beautiful bright baby blue. I miss looking into them. I just wish his arm was back around me giving me another hug. (Did I mention that I got more hugs from him today than I did in three years of middle school? It’s true, and that is if that hug even counts. On the night we were leaving after graduation I gave him a hug and broke down into tears, and that was all I ever hugged him in Middle school, now I got more hugs than that. My middle school self would be so jealous.) Then Miranda gave him another hug, once again by that point I was pretty zoned out again but I looked over and Travis was lifting her up in the air  in a hug. By that point I was jealous. Then we said goodbye and he said, “Yeah see ya.. (took a minute to think about it) never?!” Really Travis! Do you think that was the smart thing to say… especially to me. He eventually changed it to “well, I’ll see ya sometime.”

I saw him one last time today. When he was going to get on him bus. And that was the last time I saw him today. I wonder how much longer it will be until I see him again. I hadn’t seen him since graduation, on June 11^th 2010, and I finally saw him again today one March 28^th, 2011. DO you know how long that is? It’s a little over 10 months. That’s almost a year… I miss him.  Do you have any clue how hard it is seeing him after I spent so many years investing my love in him. I loved him. Say what you will about young love, I don’t care. It’s true I seriously loved that boy. Yes, I know that it is seemingly impossible to fall in love with someone when you are in 6^th grade and then love them until 8^th grade, but I did exactly that.

And now it’s 9^th grade. I know anyone reading this will probably take on look at this and think, “she still isn’t over him!” Well let me tell you something, I AM over him. I’m just hurt. You know there’s a song by big and rich and they say, “you never stop lovin somebody, you just start loving somebody else!” So true. Travis was the first guy I ever loved. Give me whatever crap you want to about this but it’s all very true: I do not like him anymore, I have realized the errors of ever going down that path and I don’t even know him anymore. He seems a little different, still Travis, but different. I know I don’t like him. If I had the odd chance to go out with him I probably would not take it. Please don’t take this post as a sign for my true feeling just bursting through because it’s not.

Thank you for listening.

xoxox

~Baylee Miller

P.S. I know I started this post as keeping his name secret but I couldn’t continue that and this post is private so it doesn’t matter anyway.

Listening to: “Falling Stars” by David Archuleta and “That should be me” by Justin Bieber

Watching: “Regular Show” on Cartoon Network

Wearing: Light blue polo with bright blue tank top under and khaki pants.

Here I go....again.

Here I go again.

Do you see what you do to me?

Make me tear myself to pieces,

Rip myself up and let me blow away,

With the wind.

And you’re not even trying!

You don’t know what’s buried inside of me:

These tears I refuse to release,

These confessions that burn in my mind,

In my heart.

I’m so willing to lock myself away.

I’d rather seem like I don’t care,

Than show how much I miss you.

Because, if I do;

If I do show how much I truly care,

Then I won’t be able to stop.

I’ll miss you more,

And more

Until I start crying myself to sleep,

Again.

Then I’ll think of your tan skin,

And how you wrapped your arms around me.

And after I’ll remember the glow of your radiant smile,

And how just seeing you happy always warmed my heart.

And if I don’t stop there

Then I’m lost forever, and there’s

No hope,

Of getting me back.

Because by then

I’m sinking into the deep blue sea

Of you beautiful baby blue eyes—

And I’m lost forever

I’m lost forever

Lost forever

Forever…

Day with the Chickidees!

Send Help

What if you just saw a sign that said that….what if it wasn’t a sign, but a small message spray painted to the ground? Would you feel obligated to find the person that needs help and help them, or would you feel the need to help everyone in hopes of it one day getting back to that person. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do, as long as you ‘SEND HELP”.

This is the message I saw today. I was walking downtown with my friends and we came upon a church and in front of the church was a small thing spray painted two words on the ground and those two words said, send help. Creepy huh?

But shall I get back to that in a minute? Yes, yes I think I shall.

Today was a half-day at our lovely, glorious school (hate that stupid school), and today was seriously one of the better days where I look back on the day and realize that I have great friends and at least three other people I can plan on always having my back. When we first went downtown we went to Big O’s Café, which is a really cool pizza place that’s kinda sorta underground. The pizza was brilliant and since we all split the pill it was actually pretty cheap. The whole thing was 15.11 I think. I’m pretty sure everyone really enjoyed their lunch, they all even ate both pieces of pizza. Miranda “won” by the way, because she ate her second piece the quickest, she must be soooo proud. After that we went across the bridge by the Amway and saw how flooded the water was, and I was getting a little freaked out by it, not gonna lie. But after taking Katelyn into the Gerald R. Ford Museum so she could go be and getting watched vigorously by a security guard we found that we could get through to the walking bridge without getting swept away in heavy currents of the Grand River. I got some great picture of them all (Miranda, Katelyn, and Miranda), I even got one of all four of us. When we quickly walked back into the main part of the city because we were freezing we went into Barnes N Noble and then we went into Kendall College and looked at their art. I swear the artist there are so talented I was seriously impressed. After that we started a perilous journey to try and find the Calder so we could go on the tire swing that none of us had ever been on. After going through traffic, construction, and lack of signs with directions we found it (it really didn’t take that long), we had fun on the swing. (Not to self: Next time bring adult to push us.) Once again we were freezing so we went to MadCap afterwards. I love MadCap Hot chocolate with a deep deep passion. Yum there hot chocolate was brilliant as always and I once again got some cute pictures. Plus, the chick that was selling the hot chocolate was wearing exactly what you would expect from a coffeeshop worker, she was like adorable in a not weird way. Our last stop of the day was the Grand Rapids Public Library. I think it was nice there and I bought a yummy blueberry muffin.

Me and Katrina ended up spending the night at Miranda’s. So, that’s where I am now. But there has been more awesomeness involved in my day. Whilst at the library I was texting Ethan. You know that boy is really nice, he’s always being nice to me and even though I haven’t actually seen him since 5^th grade, I know that if I needed him he’d have my back. Which is always good to know, right? Yes. He quit working at the library café, by the way, it was just too much work over schoolwork. Then I told him that I had actually been looking for him at the library the other day. Well that was a mistake because I got the next 15 minutes of harassment, “Awwwww, you were looking for me! That’s so sweet!”. Aye Aye Aye, Ethan.  I miss that boy. Then I told him we were going to Miranda’s house and we were going to go in her hot tub and he was all “Hey can I come!? I love hot tubs then you can see my non-attractive body”, so then we had a REALLY awkward conversation about Ethan and “his body”. I don’t think me and Ethan needed to have that conversation, when a guy basically starts talking about his man-boobs that’s where the conversation ends; apparently I’ve never learned that lesson.  Then another one of the most amazing things happened: The Burlingame Dairy Dip opened! So me, Miranda, and Katrina were really stupid souls and braced the 30 degree weather to go get ice cream while walking Buddy and Beanie. It was so worth it!

 All in all I have had such and amazing night with my friends, and I’m so glad to have them. What would my life be if I didn’t have them. I wouldn’t even be me anymore without them.  Today has been one of those days that will probably go down as an imprinted memory. Something that is permanently embedded in my brain. And do you want to know something, I am so glad that I will hopefully remember today for a long while if not forever.

There is one last thing I need to say while wrinting this. There has been this pretty nice guy talking to Miranda on Facebook who apparently knows Alex so yea…Well he had a really bad day today. This girl who is basically his only friend dissed him and totally told him off. He is now feeling all sad and depressed and like he has nothing left to hold onto. Miranda, under the strange delision that I give good advice told him he should add me and I would tell him how to be happy. Great. I hope she knows I suck at giving advice. Apparently she doesn’t care. So I added him and started giving him “advice”. It was interesting and I feel really bad for him. The thing is though, I don’t know why he wanted to hang out with that girl in the first place she seemed like a real… well you know…. female dog.  I think I made him feel a little better. Seriously though, not to sound shallow but if this guy were a little cuter and went to our school I would probably like him, not gonna lie. But he doesn’t so don’t even start accusing me of things otherwise I will totally go off on you! This is where the “Send Help” thing plays in with this post. Maybe, I’m supposed to send help to people in every chance I get.

Maybe, this is all another one of those Karma things.

Karma usually finds a way of biting me in the butt.

What goes around comes back, around correct? I’ve been doing most everything go recently. Does that mean something good might happen to me for once?

Or should I not let that small bit of optimism in me that for some reason refuses to die get its hopes up of having a chance to be right for once. Because whenever I’m optimistic something bad happens.

Here comes a rollercoaster.

xoxox

~Baylee Jean

March 11th

Today is Friday.

Seems no different than Monday.

Well, I suppose there are some differences, on Monday at this time I was happy or at least in a good mood. I’m still grounded, and I will be all weekend. My parents fail. Haha, I can’t believe I just used the term fail in a post.

So, that means I have a boring weekend ahead of me.

Miranda told me that Scottie made it on American Idol. YAY SCOTTIE!!

So, I think I’m starting to get over things. Or as Ethan  (from Lee, whom used to be my friend in elementary school. I talk to him a lot of Facebook now.) says I’m just starting a term of silence, because no one listens to what I say anyways, so I mide as well not waste me breath. Right? Sigh.

I may seem dramatic, but I’m really not. What’s the point?

Well, I’m gonna go. Laptops about to die. Still grounded, not techinically aloud to write this, but I am anyway aren’t i? Yes, yes I am.

xoxox

~Baylee Jean

March 10

                I am grounded.

                So, no I am not technically aloud to be writing this. Once again I’m in math class; I have my laptop to “do homework”. My parents seem to think it’s affective to take away my stuff and ground me, I would think they would know me a little better than that. Apparently not. Well, me and my parents “made up”, “apologized, “have forgiven” each other, however you would like to say it. Grounding me is not affective obviously; I’m still finding a way around it. I got my lap top to “do school work” (although I really do have some to do, I had Miranda vote for Scottie on American Idol for me,  and they failed to take my iPod away so I still have music.

 I’m also using this lap top to keep an eye on my email. Although I may not be able to get on YouTube from school because the school blocks every little thing, I can still check my YouTube comments and messages through my email. Wanna know why this is a good thing? This is a good thing because the other day when I wrote a short thank you message to Robbie Rosen to thank him for responding, he wrote me back once again. So, I am trying to see if I can keep the conversation going. Yeah, I’m aware of the fact that this may not work. One of the reasons he probably responded before was because I wasn’t expecting him to, when now I obviously am. But since it seems I may be one of his biggest fans (I’ve always wanted to be a biggest fan, but I never actually have been. But now I think I might be J)  he might actually respond. I just started with a short message, I mean what if he responds. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I became internet friends with him. But there I go again, dreaming to be and getting ahead of myself. I just get a little bit happier when I get a message from him ya know. It seems like the whole world is falling down around me, and I need something a little bit crazy and unfamiliar. Well, here goes trying. What I wrote him to try to keep a conversation:“ J May I ask why you haven’t put your videos back up…..or is it a secret?? -__-“ Chances are he probably won’t respond again, not very likely but ya know I’m keeping an eager eye on my email.

So, as I’ve said, my whole world is falling down around me. Go ahead and look at me like some sort of drama queen, but it’s true, so I don’t really care. I’ll give you a list of everything that’s been going on, and describe in depth a little more what I think needs more explaining, how ‘bout?

Baylee’s Mess that people consider life: What’s wrong??

1.       I’ve gone crazy; nothing in this world makes sense. Pretty much every little thing gets to me these days, and I don’t care very much about a lot of things.

2.       Yesterday, I figured out that my mom probably will not have a job next year. (Fingers crossed that she does.) And she doesn’t even seem to care.

3.       I will more than likely NOT be going to New York this summer. Consider the reason #2.

4.       I will not be starting drivers training this summer, when I could have officially started Monday.

5.       I am grounded.

6.       My dress for the spring formal doesn’t fit, and I don’t even want to go to the stupid dance. What’s the point anyway??

7.       I’m not going to college and I am going to be a person living on the street. Reason 2 once again.

8.       I have to get open office for my word document instead of Microsoft 2010. L

9.       We are reading Romeo and Juliet, I actually love the book, but it makes me feel all single and stuff. Not that that’s terrible but geez. I wish I was Juliet, even though I know what happens in the end….

10.   Michigan sucks and I’m never going to get out of this stupid fricken state, now am I? No because it’s a cage with an electric fence and rusty bars on the cage. Filled with bird that can’t figure out what song to sing, or even worse, they are too afraid to sing there song. GRRR!!!!! I HATE PEOPLE!!

Need I go on with my list? I have many more reason. And I mean MANY more reasons. Life sucks. I don’t think I’m depressed or anything like that. I suppose I’m just realizing that life sucks, it’s not a fairytale, and love doesn’t actually exist. Think me melodramatic, I don’t care. It’s true. Very true.

What the heck. This fricken class, fricken hates me. Please, excuse my language. We just started a story problem, about Manhattan, New York. Does she have any clue how much I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of New York. It’s pretty much my biggest dream at the moment, to go to New York City.

I got a 69% on my math test for last unit. Whoopie! I am a failure. Why do I even keep trying. Someone please tell me why I keep trying. Is life even worth it?? Does any of it matter All they do is tell me I can’t. And Is tart to believe them, but I don’t want to believe them!!!!!!!!!

Ughh. Another day. Many, many more questions That keep burning into my mind and I don’t think I’ll ever find the answers for. Great! Even worse, you can’t hear the sarcasm in my typing. RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just another day. Just another day. Can I make it by, just another day?? I guess only time will tell. Only time will tell. Here we go. I’m taking a breath. I’ll try to make it through the day.

Won’t be able to post this until next week. So this was written, March 10, 2011.

xoxox

~Baylee jean

March 7th

                I’m in math class right now.

                I’ve never actually written a post, while in school, so I guess that’s what I’ll do. I sound like a nerd now,L. Katrina is reading this over my shoulder, and she probably thinks I’m strange talking to a word document.

                The board currently says “Explain the difference between a ratio and a proportion.” I find it funny how I know that I will never have to know this in my life, but at least I know it. At least I know the difference right? Or do I know the difference?

                We’re saying good things right now. I should raise my hand and say that Robbie Rosen wrote to me. How concerned would they be? I know they’d all say “Who the heck is Robbie Rosen?” People at this school. I doubt any of them even watch the show…. Sigh.

                Katrina’s still reading this.

               

We finished checking our homework, I failed miserably. Well, not that bad actually but I didn’t do good. Luckily we go over a few problems.  Sad thing is, I knew this stuff. I suck.

But, as I’ve recently learned, yesterday: You have to love yourself and everyone else to be happy and truly beautiful.

We’ve gone through all the notes page now. I actually remember this stuff. The difference between “Similar and Congruent”. Homework should be easy tonight. Maybe I’ll even get it done in class. Yay!

I have English next period, and we’re gonna start reading Romeo and Juliet, I’m actually kind of excited to start reading it. Shakespeare actually does inspire me I think. Weird huh, I thought I was going to hate this unit. But, I’ve written a lot of poetry lately. I like to think it’s because of this unit in English class, but maybe I’m just emotional and I’m coming to a lot of realizations. It’s probably a mixture of both.

Well, I think I’m going to go now. I want to finish this before English, because I probably won’t get away with this in that class. Mrs. Kontras is awesome, but I think she has something against technology. So, yeah. I best get going (ßwow, I sound like an old person [wow, now I sound rude saying old people])

Good Bye everyone! Wish me luck with the rest of my day!

xoxox

~Baylee Jean