Rejected??

Rejected.

                No, not really I guess. It just feels like whenever I try to hang out with people from last year, the answers always no. I asked him if wanted to go to the mall next weekend. He said no, he’s going to be at his dad’s. He said if I’d have asked him this weekend he would have. Well, I didn’t ask him this weekend. Sorry, it’s not much of a constellation, but thanks I guess. Hmp, oh well I’ll get over it. It’s just I haven’t seen him in a while, I miss him. He knows that, oh well, some other time.

                He got offline soon after; he got offline so he could go play Black Ops. Sigh. I told him it was all cool, and to have fun at his dad’s house. Then I told him next time he’s online he needs to explain to me what’s so great about that game. Seriously, what’s it even about? I’m dying to know. I might even like it, if I knew what it was. I doubt it, I’m not really a video game type of person.

                I hope he can hang out sometime soon, it’d be nice to see him. It’s been… what now, eight and a half months. Yeah, it’s been eight and a half months. Miranda and Andrew are supposed to be going to the mall next weekend with me, anyway. I guess it’ll be fun. I guess. I wish more people would come. I miss the old days.

                I miss the day when I would get about 12-14 people to go to the mall, we’d all go see a movie and hang out at the mall afterward. They were usually my friends, though I’ll admit, there was usually one or two people I didn’t like. Oh well, that doesn’t matter. The point was that I could hang out with everyone, and we would laugh and have fun. I haven’t done that in forever. Actually I haven’t done that since my birthday party on July 10^th. It needs to happen soon.

                I guess that doesn’t matter though… I could NEVER get him to go.

                I couldn’t back then, why would I be able to know?

                Why do I even try?

                xoxoxo

                ~Baylee Jean

What is love?

                Dear blog,

                I’m currently trying to figure out if today has been good, or if it has completely sucked. No it didn’t all suck. I suppose, I had a good history class; who am I kidding, I always have a good history class. We played review basketball. It ended in a tie; we have to play overtime on Monday. I think the day just went downhill from there, in Spanish I learned that I can’t spell worth a crap in English or Spanish, at lunch Justice was being annoying and yelling at everyone for no reason (I don’t know what’s up with her but she really needs to get over it); in art my plastered arm is probably 3X the size of a regular looking arm because I’ve had to put so many layers of plaster on it, the fingers look ridiculous, the whole this is terrible; in geometry, well do I really have to say anything, it was math after all; in English we did WITT statements, which I don’t like, and apparently it’s part of the final; and in Biology we took a test. Yeah, I guess today sucked.

                What is love? Is it worth it? The Nightingale seemed to think it was worth it, she gave her life just so some ungrateful, naïve scholar could have a rose. What did the scholar do, he threw it in the gutter. What an idiot! So the nightingale was dumb and so was the scholar, wow, so it’s a lose-lose situation. Great. Does love even exist? Is it hidden in faraway caves, or hiding on deserted islands? I do not think it is possible for it to be here, in fact, I know that it isn’t. There is no one around for me, no one that would like to be ‘the one’, not here at least. I don’t think I’ll ever find him. I’m not sure I even want to. From everything I see around me, it just seems like it hurts too much. He either: leads you on, falls for someone else, isn’t who you think he is, doesn’t know you exist, or disappears. Sounds like fun, does it not? Why would anyone want to deal with that, how could anyone ever put themselves through that.

                Love. Yeah, I’ve experienced the feeling before. What happened? I only ended up sad, missing him, and hurt. I’m just trying to figure out if I really want to experience it again. What have I done for love. Not much. I just spent a lot of time, wrote myself a few short rhymes. That’s about it.

                If it is worth it, does it even matter? Will someone eventually some around, or will I be stuck searching when it’s obvious that I’m not going to find anyone? So, I’ll spend my whole life searching for someone who might not even exist? Wow, that sounds like a good way to spend my life on earth. Really, it does. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) He should be walking the earth as we speak. What is he doing? Why isn’t he here!?

                I don’t think he’ll ever show up because he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to be there. He doesn’t know who I am, he probably doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know how to be ‘the one’. He probably doesn’t want to be the one. And if he does, he’s probably too perfect. I would probably end up hurting him, or he would know he would end up hurting me. He is probably having this debate with himself. At least, he might be. I want to know.

                Is the thing of fairytales real? I know life isn’t/can’t always be a fairytale, but is it possible that those things actually happen? True love? The idea had to have come from somewhere; someone must have seen it happen at one point. Who were the two lucky people to experience this? I envy them.

                I want to experience love, to know that it exist. I’m just not sure if it does, and I’m not fond of the idea of getting hurt when I learn that there really is no such thing. I want someone to share my interest with, someone to be there with me when I’m alone, and someone who will encourage me to do what I want. I need that. I do not think that there is such a person out there. I have been proven right so far. I haven’t found him; just a bunch of people whom I try to convince myself are him. They are nothing but fake imitations. I have wasted much time on them, and I will never get that time back.

                If you he really does exist, and I let him read this. I want to say I’m sorry if I ever hurt him. I’m not sure if love is worth it and I don’t know how it works. I’m not sure I’m sold on the thought. The idea of love sounds wonderful, but the hurt of it sounds too painful to bare. I wish I could give all the time I’ve wasted on those fakes and give it back to him. I’m sorry, I’m not a time traveler, and I can’t do that. If he does read this. I want to say, I must have found some reason to believe in him and he must be truly wonderful. I love him. He doesn’t exist at the moment, he might not ever exist, but I already love him in my heart. The thought of knowing that I love him so much already and I don’t even know him yet, it hurts.

                Love. What is it? Is it worth it?

                I wonder.

                xoxoxoxo

                ~Baylee Jean

The Perfect Guy

Hey there,

                Today is January 13^th, 2011. I’m not going to lie; today was a fairly good day. My science teacher allowed me to take my quiz during class so I got to do other English homework during tutoring. Hence the reason I am able to write this blog post with ease.

                As of the moment I am watching House of Anubis on Nickelodeon; I’m watching the new episode even though I haven’t watched any of the other ones. Well, I have one thing to say: Sexy British Guys. I know that sounds really typical high school, American, girl, but it’s so true. Go on Google images and look up Bobby Lockwood, he plays a character called Mick. I don’t think I really like his character, but I’ve only seen one episode so I’m not sure, but he is definitely hot. There are a few more guys on the show that are good-looking as well, but he’s the one that really caught my eye.

List of Good Qualities:

1.       Shaggy, long hair, that sweeps almost over the eyes.

2.       Accents. Yes it’s true; I love a good English accent. (or most almost any other accent).

3.       Good sense of style, just dressed nice. Not necessarily fancy just nice. I mean, I;m fine with jeans and a t-shirt, it just has to look nice.

4.       Eyes. Nice eyes, deep, bright or really dark. Mysterious or knowing. Eyes are one of the first things I notice, other than hair, but hair is not nearly as important (your eyes are always yours, but hair you can cut).

You think I’m shallow now don’t you? Well I sure hope you do. That was all a list of qualities that are nice to have, but they are not necessary. They all have to do with looks and attractiveness, I’m not that shallow. Looks are not as important as personality. I’m just saying that if I don’t know a person, these are the type of things I first notice.

List of Good Personality Traits:

1.       Sweet. I’m shy and a guy needs to be able to understand that and be sweet and sincere about that. I won’t always be the one talking to him first; I want him to talk to me first sometimes. If I’m sad he needs to understand that and me nice about it, and be sweet by trying to understand the situation.

2.       Funny. I want a guy that can cheer me up when I need it (I usually need it), I want him to be funny, but not all the time. He should be funny when it’s appropriate to be funny, but when it’s not, or I’m not in the mood, he’ll be able to understand that.

3.       Adventurous. He wants to do things in life. He wants to go places, travel the world, and do new and exciting things. He won’t think that my ideas and dreams are crazy or unrealistic; he’ll encourage me and believe in my dreams almost as much as I do.

4.       Dreamer. He needs dreams, and he needs to want to follow them. They have to be big dreams that he really, really wants to follow. They have to be dreams that mean the world to him; they have to be one of the most important things in the world to him. He has to know what dreams are, and cherish, encourage, and believe in them.

5.       Romantic. Yeah, mostly a true romantic. Not all the time necessarily, but he has to know about all the cheesy clichéd stuff, and use it in our relationship. Red roses. Kisses under fireworks or mistletoe. Little surprises. You know what I’m talking about, the stuff that happens in movies. No, I’m not saying that the entire relationship has to be like this, but it’s nice having those things in life every once and a while. It’s nice feeling like fairytales really do exist.

Do I sound less shallow now? I’m not saying he has to be all these qualities, all the time; everyone has a bad day everyone once and a while, plus it’s impossible to be completely perfect. I know that, I’m not that crazy. I just want someone special.  Yeah, I know, now I sound like I have too high of expectations. I probably do, and that’s probably why I haven’t met him yet. He must be out there though, right? I know he is, I think. Is he? Well, I’m going to continue looking for him.

        So, there, that’s my description of the perfect guy.

        I think I’m going to go know. Oh, by the way I figured out my English dilemma. I used an old short story that I wrote this summer. It’s called Thirst. My English teacher is probably going to concerned when she reads it, she’s going to think I need serious help. Maybe I do, hahaha. She read some of it today (I needed help finding irony and foreshadowing in it); she said it was good but creepy. I think it’s pretty well written.

        Tomorrow is Friday. Thank goodness!

xoxoxo

~Baylee Jean

Stressed and depressed.... and some random

Ughh.
Did you notice that I haven’t blogged at all this week? Yeah, well that means I have to for everyday the rest of this week, which will probably be a very stressful task. I’ve spent this entire week doing a mixture of review before midterm exams, learning last minute new material, and recovering from everything I missed last week. Mostly the third thing. I stay have to stay at school till four tomorrow for tutoring so that I can make up two quizzes that I missed, biology and Spanish. I also have to take one during the day that I missed in math class. I hate school. I think I’ve said this probably a million times, and I probably sound like a really dumb person. I’m not dumb, I’m getting all A’s and B’s and I go to a college prep school; not to sound pompous but I think I’m kind of smart. I really I am starting to hate school though; most of the material I am learning is irrelevant to my life and there are many more experiences that I need to have, or want to have, other than high school. I’m not saying I don’t want an education, yes some of the material I’m learning is going to be important. I just wish I could learn in a different environment. I think it would be really cool to be homeschooled or online schooled while I travel around the country in a RV, or something like that. I want to travel and learn better from experiences. Does anyone else agree? Or is it just me? I seriously feel like I’m going no where, and I am getting absolutely nothing important out of this, except AP classes.
Anyway, rant over. That’s one thing I love about blogging, I can rant and no one can yell at me for it, or interrupt me.
Next topic. Today in AP World History we got way off topic. It was okay though because we had just finished out notes for the semester, and we all kind of needed it. So anyway, we were talking about our homework, it was written by some person named Jack. Well, one girl asked if my teacher had ever watched Pirates of the Caribbean (because she was thinking about Jack Sparrow, because the authors name was Jack) and he said ‘ Yes, the first one was brilliant!’ then we all laughed because the way he said it made it seem like he hated the others. Then he was talking about how he couldn’t think of many movies where the sequel was better than the first one. Then he said that he could think of one movie where the sequel was better, and he said “Back to the Future II”. Then he asked how many of us had actually seen Back to the Future. I of course raised my hand (one of the best movies ever, and it IS the best 80’s movie, for sure), but then I told him “Yeah it’s good, but the first one is way better!” Then he looked at me like I was crazy, and he went into this whole lesson based around back to the Future.
Here’s how it went: “Okay the best part of Back to the Future II is when Doc is writing on the board about the alternate future, (well first he had to explain to everyone what the movie was about but I’ll keep that out for sake of time). So Doc draws a straight timeline on the board and explain how since the past and future was changed they had created an alternative 1985 (or present time). Well if you think of this, this is true. I mean, we have infinitive different alternate futures ahead of us. One little thing could change what happens to your future, one path could leave you homeless and one path could leave you rich, famous, and happy. It’s important to think about things this way so that you can actually take control of your own future. This is so cool to think of!”
The whole thing really did make me think and it something fun to get off topic about. Plus I was actually excited to know that I understood what he was talking about. In a way it kind of tied in with history. I still think that the first Back to the Future was better but I see how he justifies it. Then this guy in my class, Jesse, said that the third was the best and we all looked at him like he was insane. His only reason was because the doc was cowboy; that is such a guy answer. I think we all decided to tune Jesse out after that. Anyway, the moral of the story. There are so many different ways your future could go and the actions you take in the process decides your future, and also Back to the Future is one of the best movies ever!
I really hope I sleep well tonight, otherwise I might just die of lack of sleep. Luckily my first class tomorrow is art, so I can try to sleep with my eyes open, we probably won’t be doing much. I’m talking to Katelyn and Travis on Facebook Chat. Travis is lucky, a water ppipe broke at his school and now he doesn’t have school tomorrow. I really wish I went to Wellspring sometimes. Well most times. Well not really because I just don’t like school in general so.
I have to write a short story for English Class and it’s a big chunk of my grade, guess what, I haven’t even started! I can’t think of anything, short stories are not my thing. Especially for school. I’m just not good at sticking to one plot and making it under 1,200 words. I am more of a novelist. I also have to study my butt of this weekend. Wish me good luck, I despratly need it.
Well, I’m going to talk to Travis(it’s weird talking to him on Chat, because he usually talks through messages) and Kate for a few minutes, then go to sleep. G’night everyone.
xoxoxo
~Baylee Jean

Still Sick

Still sick…
I posted my first letter of the year today. It’s extremely long, but I needed to write it. I have to do 2 of these letters a week. They are going to be written to practically anyone. The person I choose for today was just someone I thought would be good to start with. I had a lot to say to this person so yeah. If you don’t want to read it, then don’t, it’s more something I posted for myself. Not really something all that important to you. Hey maybe it will inspire you or something, who knows.
So I stayed home from school again today. And I’m staying home tomorrow as well. I really hate being sick. My friends will bring me all my missed homework after school tomorrow, they really are great friends! My mom is also going to go to Barnes & Noble to buy a book for me (my money, I’m just sick so I asked her to do it). I’ve heard a lot of good things about I am Number Four, so that is the book I have decided to buy. When I finish it I think I’ll do a review of it. Sound good? Has anyone read it yet? Well, I think it sounds interesting so, yeah.
I think I’m going to go now. I know that this is short, but I wrote such a long letter. I think this is probably long enough. I’m going to work on adding some cool things to my blog. So good night folks!
xoxox
~Baylee Jean

Letter 1

Dear Cheerio,
This is probably the third letter I’ve ever written to you that I do not intend to send. (yes, that rhymed.) Why am I writing this? Well, I’m sure you can guess. I’ve liked you for a while, Cheerio. I know I missed my chance to tell you this, but I feel the need to let you know anyway. So here it goes.
This letter is from the sixth grader who had just started a new school. She didn’t know anyone, and she didn’t really fit in. She was really just awkward and unpopular. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to make a few friends and have fun. It was a year of mixed emotions and weird changes. This girl found out about book club, and instantly she joined. Reading was something that she had always enjoyed and it was nice knowing that other people did too. That’s where she met this extremely nice, funny, sporty guy. At first she just thought that he was like everyone else and he would probably be one of the people who dropped out after the first week. She was wrong. Turns out he was one of the few people who came to the very last book club. You were really smart, which she appreciated. After the 2nd meeting she fell for you instantly. You were the first guy she ever really liked. And through book club she got to know you, and became acquaintances with you. You were one of the only guys that were nice enough to stop in the halls and say ‘hey’. She thought you were extremely charming. She never told you she liked you because she was too young, too clueless, and just had no clue what she was doing. There was no point for a sixth grade girl to tell someone how much she liked him, she was too young to date anyways.
This letter is also from the seventh grade girl who returned to school that year after having dreamed of you all summer. Sounds a little creepy I know, but it’s true. You were the only person on her mind. When she got back to school that year, it seemed like you didn’t remember her. So, she had to make herself rememberable. After one of her best friends asked you out and you said no, she decided that she had to step it up. Well maybe she did that a little too well. She was loud, obnoxious, and somehow had some reason to rebel. It was crazy. She laughed just a little too loud, and wanted to know just a little too much. Some of that was good though. That was the year she called you, February 26th to be exact. And though it creeped you out a bit, it made her fell like she could do anything. You had drama class together, and she got to talk to you every day. Man was she lucky! You made her smile on a regular basis. By the end of that year, she considered herself your friend. She didn’t tell you she liked you because she didn’t know how. She was trying to figure out what she wanted and who she was. She was experimenting with life. It probably would have been the best year for her to tell you. But it would have made things more difficult for her. It was probably a good decision. Rejection would have destroyed her.
This letter is from an eighth grade girl who tried to move on. She never could. It finally occurred to her that you weren’t trying and that you didn’t feel that way about her. So she tried to move on, she really did. She rarely talked to you anymore, and she started talking to different guys. For a while it worked. But every time she started liking a different person, she always somehow ended up liking you again. You were so irresistible. She was persistent, so she kept trying to get over you. For a long while she started to like another guy, one of your best friends actually. It worked for a while too, she started talking to him a lot, and she really liked him. Until he got a girlfriend. Then she realized that she never really liked him anyway. She had another class with you again, and even though she tried to keep herself from talking to you, she couldn’t. It was like a magnet. She still liked you, and she started to realize that she always would. She wasn’t going to try to make herself stay away much longer. One of her best friends liked you as well. That bothered her so much. Watching her flirt with you, and the way she talked about you. It almost drove her mad. She tried not to let it bother her too much though. At the end of graduation she finally got to give you a hug. When she did she burst into tears, she knew she would never see you again. She thought it was kind of funny that she didn’t cry when she said goodbye to some of her best friends left that she knew she would never see again, but when you left, she could not stop herself from crying. She never told you she liked you because she was trying to deny it. She was too afraid of rejection and felt like she had lost her chance. She barely even talked to you, and she knew you didn’t feel the same way, so she didn’t even bother. She was just trying to get out of middle school alive and happy. But was she really? Maybe she would have felt a little more relieved if she had only told you.
This letter is also from the ninth grade girl that feels ridiculous for not having let you go yet. The last time she saw you was June 11th 2010, it is currently January 6th 2011 and counting. You talk to her on Facebook sometimes, and every time she gets a message from you her heart flutters. Sounds pathetic, huh? Yeah, well, that’s because it is. It’s really too late for her to be telling you of how much she likes you. Yeah, she still likes you. Three years and still trying to move on. This is from the girl who can’t hear the song “Thunder” by Boys like Girls without thinking about you (and almost crying). She thinks that song was written about her feelings for you, “Your eyes were the brightest of all the colors, and I don’t wanna ever have another. You’ll always be my thunder.” That line always gets to her, and makes her think of your gorgeous blue eyes. She doesn’t tell you she likes you because, it’s far too late. She missed her chance years ago. She regrets that decision quite often.
Well there it is for you; three years’ worth of me liking you. I know I’m crazy, I never said I wasn’t. I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I don’t even expect you to respond. In fact it would probably be better if you didn’t say anything, spare my feelings please. This letter was more just for me to get these words out. I probably won’t even send this to you, so I don’t see why it matters anyway. I just thought you should know that I will always like you. You were the first guy I ever truly liked. I mean, if I were to look through my diary entries from the past few years most of them end with, P.S. I <3 Cheerio. Well I hope this letter amused you, it was nice to get this out. Thanks.
Just thought you should know these things.
~Me
xoxox

Sick...

                Yeah, that’s right, I’m sick.

                :x

                I stayed home from school today. I wasn’t going to go just to sit there miserable. Runny nose and sore throat, not fun. I hate being sick. I guess if there was a bright side to this, it would be that I finished the book I was reading. Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares, if you haven’t read it you really should. It’s a cute book. I just wish the author’s would have made it a little longer by answering a few more of my questions.

                Just wanted to clear some things up for you:

                I will be doing AT LEAST 3 blog post a week. (I think doing one everyday would be impossible for me… so 3 a week!)

                Some post will be a little different from the one’s I’ve been doing. I have a goal to write two letters a week to people I feel I need to say something to (whether I send them or not, that’s may choice.) I would also like to share some of my writing with you.

                Which leads me to another thing. I am writing a novel. I have been writing this novel since November (it was my Nano Novel but I didn’t quite finish it.) I would really like it if you want to check it out, but hey if it’s not your thing then just ignore this.

Here’s the link: http://www.inkpop.com/projects/84163/silver-bullet/

I think it’s kind of good, still needs a lot of work but it’s coming along.

                So I was just reading someone else’s blog (check it out- http://parafantasy.blogspot.com/ ) and they were talking about listening to music while writing. Well they posted this really brilliant song, it was soft and sweet but it was also kind of inspiring. I’m going to listen to it while I write some more of my novel tonight (that’s what I’m going to do after I finish writing this). It’s the perfect music for me to listen to while I write the last scene of my novel (I’m kind of jumping around and writing what I know is going to happen, so no I’m not really that close to finishing). Well, I figured that I would repost it so that maybe it will inspire you as well. So take a listen and I hope you like it!

                I think I better go before I start ranting about something that you probably won’t care about. So thank you for reading!

xoxoxo

~Baylee Jean