What is love?

                Dear blog,

                I’m currently trying to figure out if today has been good, or if it has completely sucked. No it didn’t all suck. I suppose, I had a good history class; who am I kidding, I always have a good history class. We played review basketball. It ended in a tie; we have to play overtime on Monday. I think the day just went downhill from there, in Spanish I learned that I can’t spell worth a crap in English or Spanish, at lunch Justice was being annoying and yelling at everyone for no reason (I don’t know what’s up with her but she really needs to get over it); in art my plastered arm is probably 3X the size of a regular looking arm because I’ve had to put so many layers of plaster on it, the fingers look ridiculous, the whole this is terrible; in geometry, well do I really have to say anything, it was math after all; in English we did WITT statements, which I don’t like, and apparently it’s part of the final; and in Biology we took a test. Yeah, I guess today sucked.

                What is love? Is it worth it? The Nightingale seemed to think it was worth it, she gave her life just so some ungrateful, naïve scholar could have a rose. What did the scholar do, he threw it in the gutter. What an idiot! So the nightingale was dumb and so was the scholar, wow, so it’s a lose-lose situation. Great. Does love even exist? Is it hidden in faraway caves, or hiding on deserted islands? I do not think it is possible for it to be here, in fact, I know that it isn’t. There is no one around for me, no one that would like to be ‘the one’, not here at least. I don’t think I’ll ever find him. I’m not sure I even want to. From everything I see around me, it just seems like it hurts too much. He either: leads you on, falls for someone else, isn’t who you think he is, doesn’t know you exist, or disappears. Sounds like fun, does it not? Why would anyone want to deal with that, how could anyone ever put themselves through that.

                Love. Yeah, I’ve experienced the feeling before. What happened? I only ended up sad, missing him, and hurt. I’m just trying to figure out if I really want to experience it again. What have I done for love. Not much. I just spent a lot of time, wrote myself a few short rhymes. That’s about it.

                If it is worth it, does it even matter? Will someone eventually some around, or will I be stuck searching when it’s obvious that I’m not going to find anyone? So, I’ll spend my whole life searching for someone who might not even exist? Wow, that sounds like a good way to spend my life on earth. Really, it does. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) He should be walking the earth as we speak. What is he doing? Why isn’t he here!?

                I don’t think he’ll ever show up because he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to be there. He doesn’t know who I am, he probably doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know how to be ‘the one’. He probably doesn’t want to be the one. And if he does, he’s probably too perfect. I would probably end up hurting him, or he would know he would end up hurting me. He is probably having this debate with himself. At least, he might be. I want to know.

                Is the thing of fairytales real? I know life isn’t/can’t always be a fairytale, but is it possible that those things actually happen? True love? The idea had to have come from somewhere; someone must have seen it happen at one point. Who were the two lucky people to experience this? I envy them.

                I want to experience love, to know that it exist. I’m just not sure if it does, and I’m not fond of the idea of getting hurt when I learn that there really is no such thing. I want someone to share my interest with, someone to be there with me when I’m alone, and someone who will encourage me to do what I want. I need that. I do not think that there is such a person out there. I have been proven right so far. I haven’t found him; just a bunch of people whom I try to convince myself are him. They are nothing but fake imitations. I have wasted much time on them, and I will never get that time back.

                If you he really does exist, and I let him read this. I want to say I’m sorry if I ever hurt him. I’m not sure if love is worth it and I don’t know how it works. I’m not sure I’m sold on the thought. The idea of love sounds wonderful, but the hurt of it sounds too painful to bare. I wish I could give all the time I’ve wasted on those fakes and give it back to him. I’m sorry, I’m not a time traveler, and I can’t do that. If he does read this. I want to say, I must have found some reason to believe in him and he must be truly wonderful. I love him. He doesn’t exist at the moment, he might not ever exist, but I already love him in my heart. The thought of knowing that I love him so much already and I don’t even know him yet, it hurts.

                Love. What is it? Is it worth it?

                I wonder.

                xoxoxoxo

                ~Baylee Jean