Just checking in

Hello,

At this moment I am desperately confused.

I really don’t know what to make of the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head. They’re all crazy and I’m not sure there are any solutions to my questions… great, just great.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hopeless for me to even try. I only end up hurting myself and others along the way. Even when I don’t do it knowingly.

Is there any way this will work out?

Mostly I’m just writing to say hey. I haven’t written in a while. I will soon. Summer will be here in exactly 10 days. We’re at the end of June 1, 2011 and I couldn’t be any happier to say it’s almost over…. But that leaves me with a lot of questions as well…. Here I go again…..

Love,

Baylee Jean

xoxox

Post written on May 19th 2011

Hey,

I’m in math class right now; Well, actually I’m in the media center after NWEA. Figured I’d give you an update on life. My last post may have left you a little, I don’t know: Concerned, worried, mad, angry, upset. Either way, those aren’t good feelings.

Although sometimes I wish I could escape from the world, from everyone, I’d never do it. Although, some people bug the crap out of me I’d never leave them; even if they want me to leave. I wish they could all understand me but I guess I’m just a little too complex to figure out. I should have expected that I suppose. Well, it’s over now. I gave up and now everyone can be happy again. I don’t see why to make everyone happy I have lose or forfeit, but it doesn’t really matter as long as they’re happy I don’t care. I hate being the burden that everyone is carrying, mid as well make the load a little lighter.

The only thing that hurts me is how quick my friends are to let me go. I mean I wasn’t testing them or anything but throughout the whole thing I realized that if I decided to pack up and leave this instant no one would fight to have me stay. I guess that’s my own fault though, huh. If I’m not worth a last stand, a begging cry to have me stay; then I must not be worth much. Now that I think about it, I’m really not. I’m trying not to spill all my feeling out onto this page like I did last time. God only knows how much I need another blog response from Miranda. (No offense Miranda but that made me feel like crap during art class today…but I deserve it).

I’ve decided to take a leave of silence. Well, not exactly a leave of silence. Just from now on I’m just going to say what others want to hear. It doesn’t matter who thinks what or who does what in this world as long as you don’t contradict the feelings of others then everyone remains happy. Everyone remains out of your business. From now on I’ll just lock myself in and listen. I don’t want to be that person that only hurts, causes trouble, and ruins life and happiness for everyone. I just want to be the person that someone can rely on, someone that’s always there for someone, someone that you can tell anything to, I just want to be someone that other people like. That’s my only goal anymore: Be likeable, to my friends, my family, everybody. As long as I’m likable.

You wouldn’t think it’d be that hard of a task, nodding and agreeing. But when you have so many opinions inside your head and heart. It can be like stabbing yourself in the gut. But as long as I keep a needle and thread with me at all times I can sew up my wounds and cover them pretty well. Apparently that’s what this blog is going to become; you’re going to be my needle and thread. I know that’s a hard burden but you’ll take it well, won’t you? Please agree because I have nothing else willing to accept the job. You’re the only thing I will ever tell what’s really going on. I think that means that when I remember this blog is going to become completely private; it’s better that way.

So from now on, here’s to a “better me”.

Baylee Jean

Decieved. poem

Leave me alone

Watch me break on my own.

Leave me broken,

I regret all the words I’ve ever spoken.

Leave me in pain

I’ve already gone insane.

Leave me to cry,

Won’t be long before I die.

Leave me,

Doesn’t matter, you already deceived me.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!

The hell with this. The hell with you and you and you and you. I don’t give a damn. You can say whatever you want, do whatever you want’ but the only thing you’re helping is the fire continue to burn. All I want to say is “fuck it” and walk off and leave this place. All I want to do is act like I never meet any of you. Maybe I should have left; life would be easier as Wyoming Park anyway. Maybe I’ll go there next year, they’d be glad to have me. And I can just walk away and forget all about this place, these people, and every little thing that everyone has ever put me through. The hell with life. What’s there to live for anyway.

Why?

I’m wondering why.

                Why we live to die. Why we love to hurt. Why we speak to be ignore. Why would but all of our trust in other people. Why friends are all we really have to hold onto in the end and when we need them we don’t want them the most. Why we try to understand one another when there’s really no sense. Why we try. Why we work toward this perfect nothing, hoping it ends up being something. Why we hope and dream, just to get our hopes and dreams crushed. Why we confine our deepest thoughts to our best known strangers. Just why?

                As of this moment I feel I am a danger to my own self, my own life, my own existence, and also everyone else’s lives. I feel like if I think about one thing or take one false breath I might fall apart. I might destroy myself. I feel like I should tear myself opening and rip myself apart. Make it so I don’t have to hurt or bother or annoy or confuse or mislead or destroy someone ever again. I don’t want to be a danger to the people in this world. I don’t want to be a danger to myself. I don’t want to make more false assumption that make my heart break. Or lead myself down another road where it’s impossible to keep my thoughts straight. Or but myself down so much to a point where I feel like I’m even lower that dirt and worse than Satan. I just want to be rid of myself, because all I am is harm.

                There are many ways one could get ride of themselves. I’m not going for the path that means suicide though. I don’t want ot be completely gone from the world. I still want to live. I just want to get rid of these thoughts, these feeling and emotions, these actions, these words. This me. I want to rid myself of this “personality”. I want to be gone. I want to be away. How do I do this without becoming a soulless body?

                My mind is in a state of pure unstableness. How is this possible? I don’t even have a rhyme or reason to be feeling this way. Well, probably nothing to good or important. Just the usual woes and worries of my life. Not like I’m having overly terrible guy problems, or experienced a death or loss, or had anything too major happen to me. I just feel so helpless, and small, and alone. I’m no help. It’s my job as a friend to help. There’s nothing I can do. Am I gonna get fired from my job? Am I going to get demoted. I’m the one who gives the advice, I’m the one she’s supposed to turn to for help, and she did. But I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m no good in this situation. There’s no reason I should be feeling so terrible right now, she’s the one who feels bad, I should not be worrying about myself right now. But I can’t stop.

                I can’t even calm down right now. I think I need to sleep. I wonder if I can. Being left alone with my thoughts that may be dangerous.

                Good Night.

                Baylee Jean Miller

                xoxox

Taco

I want a muffin!
that is my story
love baylee?!!!
i think....

More Teen Agnst, or just more proof that life sucks?

Well,

               Epic fail at posting 3 times a week, huh?

               Yeah I know, I suck, get over it.

               I’m sure there are a million questions floating in your head right now, huh future self? Well calm down I’ll get to it all. Honestly, my life isn’t that exciting. And honestly, I’m not sure if I can handle this hectic nonsense any longer.

    I must start by saying, my AP TEST IS OVER!! (I’m almost positive that’ll be the ONLY good thing you’ll hear on this post). So, yesterday from 8am- to about 11:45am I was taking my first AP test ever. It wasn’t fun but I’m glad it’s over and now we pretty much get to goof off in class. Speaking of goofing off in class, today we played Mafia in AP World History. First round, I kind of fail considering I accidentally showed everyone my card.... Second Round, I was the last to die considering Katrina and Maria put drugs into my toothpaste that induced a heart attack. We killed all of the innocent towns people, and only the murderers were left living in the end. Hmm....I guess we kind of suck a Mafia....oh well fun game anyway.

    This week was all pretty stressful. I think I’m going to put it all in groups.

Friends:

    My oh my oh my......Where to begin. Let’s just say it hasn’t been a very good week in the friendship department. I really don’t even have a clue what to do anymore. I’m not sure what I can say to them without saying something wrong, I’m not sure what I can ask without them freaking out, I’m not even sure who I can trust with what anymore. Sometimes, it seems like I’m just there to make them feel better about themselves and so they have someone to put down when they need to feel stronger. It’s not a great position to be in. But I’ve been in it plenty of times before and I always seem to get out with my life, pride, dignity, and our friendship still amazingly intact. And the other one. I feel so helpless because there’s not much I can do to help her. Hun, I know you’ve heard me say this a million and ten times by now, and it’s probably annoying the heck outta you but that boy is blind and can’t see the amazing, amazing chick right in front of him. But I suppose on the bright there may be one good thing happening in the friendship department right now. I believe I have made a new friend. I know that may sound weird, but it’s not very often I get new friends so deal with it. His name is Conner. He sits with Miranda and Katelyn during art and they made me start talking to him. He’s a good person to talk to. He’s interesting, often sounds very wise, and has a strange addiction to Mountain Dew. We talk some in Geometry. We aren’t like best friends or anything but considering I’ve only really been talking to him for a grand total of 2 weeks ,yeah...So that’s how things are going with all of them....huh, well then.

Family:

I think they’re all smoking pot. My mom, still hasn’t stopped nagging me about anything. Nothing new there. I wonder if she knows that she’s only pushing me farther and farther away from this place?  I’m not sure she realizes that with each day that passes t’s another day loser I get to leaving Michigan, and living my own life. I wonder...I love my mom though, don’t get me wrong with that. I will in fact, miss her when I’m gone. Me and my dad had a good night though. Since my mom is on her yearly mother’s day shopping trip with my grandma and aunt it meant time for father-daughter bonding”. We ate pizza which my dad drowned in crushed-red pepper, it tasted great but our mouths were burning and we watched “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl”. Man, did that bring back some good memories.... On Thursday night we’re going to go see the new one at the first midnight showing. I’m gonna be tired on Friday at school but it’s worth it. I mean seriously, JOHNNY DEPP! So that’s family at the moment, it’s alright enough I guess. Still not sure what I can say to them without them lecturing me or “worrying” about me.

School:

    Don’t even get me started. I have a ton of missing assignments in Geometry and I know it. Gosh. I am getting a-’s in every class, except geometry, I’m getting a C, probably a C- by now. I just don’t understand the material half the time, a quarter of the time I forget I have it or put it off because of other homework, and the last quarter I just don’t feel like doing it. I know I’m getting myself into a bad habit. Trust me, this weekend is devoted to Geometry. Well actually it’s devoted to geometry and sleep.

Guys:

    -Deep exasperated sigh- We all know I am very very unskillful in this area. Long eyelashes doesn’t seem like the right type of guy for me. He’s kinda a very good Christian boy and I’m kinda a confused Christian girl who never goes to church except on holidays... SO i just don’t really think I like him anymore. He still seems like a great guy I just don’t feel like he’s my type or that I’m his (but honestly I’m not anyone’s type). I had another encounter with “I will die” (AKA me and Miranda’s nick name for Brian). Apparently, now Katrina and Brian are against me getting a moped (and Conner sorta) not that I’m going to listen to any of them. Well anyway Brian was eavesdropping on my conversation about it and then he started lecturing me about how I’m gonna die if I get one. And once again I was too nice. And once again it made me feel like a normal person talking to him. And once again I ended up confused in my mind. I have no clue where this crazy world is trying to take me. Cause honestly I might try to destroy the world if it keeps attempting to push me toward Brian. And lastly, I saw “him” yesterday. There were no feelings there. He passed me and said “Hi Baylee” without really talking to me and I either nodded or said a distant hey. Either way, everything that there ever might have possibly ever been between me and Travis is gone like nothing was ever even there. (And Kate tried to tell me that I still am not over him. I don’t know where she’s been but I haven’t liked him since late this summer, and honestly Kate you have NO CLUE what I feel about anyone. Still love ya Kate, but don’t try to tell me the feelings I’m feeling).

Lastly, Last weekend:

Last weekend was actually pretty good. I don’t know how life can go so down him so fast but at least I know it’s possible for good days ever now and again. Me, Kate, Alex, and Conner went to go see the play, “Don’t try to wake him, hand me the shovel.” My dad drove me, Kate and Alex there. Conner came on his own accord, but he was late. Kate freaked out. It was entertaining. We got there early and played soccer with a sophomore ,Daniel and some little kid. Then we sat outside and Mr.Wislon (a teacher that I don’t even have yet) scared the crap outta us. Apparently he thought Alex was Daniel. Daniel came outside and sat with us and told us this about 10 minutes after it happened, we were really confused at first. The play was actually funny,  “OH MY CRAP”. I don’t trust Larissa with an umbrella or Jasmine with a gun. And Me and Jazz both cracked up when Tellious came by and randomly put his hand on my shoulder “SO Baylee how’d you like the play?” I have never once talked to that boy in my life. We waited about an hour for our rides to get there. It was fun. And the ride home was rather entertaining with Alex as our own personal comedian in the back seat.

So all in all that’s life. I’m sure there’s a ton more. But I’m talking to Conner at the moment on Facebook and I really don’t want to think about how stressful of a week it’s been right now. I just wanna chill. SO that’s all for now. We’ll see what else I fell like saying soon. Promise I’ll start writing regularly again.

Love,

Baylee Jean

Xoxox

P.S. Miranda and Katelyn have both told that I’ve been acting “distant” lately… I’m not sure what to say to that.