Post written on May 19th 2011

Hey,

I’m in math class right now; Well, actually I’m in the media center after NWEA. Figured I’d give you an update on life. My last post may have left you a little, I don’t know: Concerned, worried, mad, angry, upset. Either way, those aren’t good feelings.

Although sometimes I wish I could escape from the world, from everyone, I’d never do it. Although, some people bug the crap out of me I’d never leave them; even if they want me to leave. I wish they could all understand me but I guess I’m just a little too complex to figure out. I should have expected that I suppose. Well, it’s over now. I gave up and now everyone can be happy again. I don’t see why to make everyone happy I have lose or forfeit, but it doesn’t really matter as long as they’re happy I don’t care. I hate being the burden that everyone is carrying, mid as well make the load a little lighter.

The only thing that hurts me is how quick my friends are to let me go. I mean I wasn’t testing them or anything but throughout the whole thing I realized that if I decided to pack up and leave this instant no one would fight to have me stay. I guess that’s my own fault though, huh. If I’m not worth a last stand, a begging cry to have me stay; then I must not be worth much. Now that I think about it, I’m really not. I’m trying not to spill all my feeling out onto this page like I did last time. God only knows how much I need another blog response from Miranda. (No offense Miranda but that made me feel like crap during art class today…but I deserve it).

I’ve decided to take a leave of silence. Well, not exactly a leave of silence. Just from now on I’m just going to say what others want to hear. It doesn’t matter who thinks what or who does what in this world as long as you don’t contradict the feelings of others then everyone remains happy. Everyone remains out of your business. From now on I’ll just lock myself in and listen. I don’t want to be that person that only hurts, causes trouble, and ruins life and happiness for everyone. I just want to be the person that someone can rely on, someone that’s always there for someone, someone that you can tell anything to, I just want to be someone that other people like. That’s my only goal anymore: Be likeable, to my friends, my family, everybody. As long as I’m likable.

You wouldn’t think it’d be that hard of a task, nodding and agreeing. But when you have so many opinions inside your head and heart. It can be like stabbing yourself in the gut. But as long as I keep a needle and thread with me at all times I can sew up my wounds and cover them pretty well. Apparently that’s what this blog is going to become; you’re going to be my needle and thread. I know that’s a hard burden but you’ll take it well, won’t you? Please agree because I have nothing else willing to accept the job. You’re the only thing I will ever tell what’s really going on. I think that means that when I remember this blog is going to become completely private; it’s better that way.

So from now on, here’s to a “better me”.

Baylee Jean