Envious.

I am envious.
Envious of them all.
That child, playing in the street. What I wouldn't give to be in that spot. When every move or thought I made didn't cause some sort of internal infliction, drama, or pain. When I could say anything, and they wouldn't think I was crazy, or cynical, just a child with a childish brain. When did that change. On what day in my life did it all change, so that everything I do comes back at me. It would be lovely to just be careless sometimes without having to face a consequence, to take a day away and not have to relive what I missed, to say what I mean and mean what I say without having to regret it because it hurt somebody else, to be free of these chains that someone trapped me in. Is there a key and lock, and if I get out, do I win?
Maybe this is karma. What goes around comes back around. And if that case is true then it suddenly all makes sense. I'm getting back all the trouble that I've dished out. I'm being paid back for every action; starting with the stolen pretzel. That's why my life has become this. This year has not been all that I've wished, but wishes don't come true for those who don't deserve them.
So that's why, that's why. I hate all my classes and  the people in them. Last year I had kids I liked and could compete with. Sometimes it feels like they've moved on when I got left back, simply because I don't know how to act. With these kids, this new set of kids I've been placed with. They are far different from me, and compared to last year that's hard to believe. Later I'll create a list of the people in those classes who I miss. But I already know that I deserve this.
Karma's the reason, my friends are falling apart. I see the seams are slowly ripping apart. I'm letting them leave, I'm not going to force them to stay, and I understand why they should leave. Thank you Karma for taking the most important people away from me. They'll all side against me, but they are fighting their own wars against me. They'll pair off and group away, and I'm here left in the dust. I see in my near future a lunch table to myself. Thank you Karma for making me hate myself.
Is Karma also the reason I've had to put up with a Titanic. Something that could float so easily, and takes that as challenge to try to sink. These chains come from them, you see I haven't always worn them. They're new, still shining metal. Not as rusted and old as the chains binding me to the earth. I must have let down my guard at some point, I thought it was safe to do so. And right at that moment, she threw me to the ground, tangled me up in the chains, and clicked the lock shut. I see the lock right in plain sight, it's there right in front of me, but where is the key? I got far more tangled up in all this nonsense than I ever wanted to be. Thank you Karma for making me weak. So weak that I never know what to say or think. Thank you Karma for making me over think everything so thoroughly.
There are other things but I don't think I could blame Karma for them. Like the Moose and how I stand with him. Or my grades and how I just don't seem to care anymore. Thank you Karma for making me an even worse person for wanting to blame you for things that I have obviously brought upon myself. I should be able to handle them myself, but I don't know how or won't let myself. Thank you Karma for making me feel so worthless.
Thanks a lot.
Sure, karma's a bitch. But so am I.