Is it possible to disappear, or to quit existing?
How to make one’s self a being of nothing but a shadow of a person that used to be there. A person that used to burden and hurt others, cry, suffer, overthink things, make life only more difficult for everyone else. How could a person live with themselves knowing they only cause pain and annoyance to everyone they know, everyone they’ve ever cared about? The only way they could live with themselves is by knowing that they’d only cause more of a burden for everyone if they eliminated themselves.
I can’t be left alone in my own mind, otherwise those sort of thoughts creep up on me, and they threaten to kill me. They get into my thoughts and they ruin my dreams and fantasies; they make me realize how worthless I am and how low and disgraceful I’ve become. They make me realize that I have nothing good to leave behind into the world.
I realize everything at least one minute after it has already happened, I’m always a step behind—sometimes even two steps. Maybe, that’s what I’m worried about in the current situation. (Of course Conner’s the only person that knows what I mean by the current situation, right now he’s the only person I can tell…). Maybe I’m crazy to ever believe anything could ever come from this. Maybe, I’m delusional. And maybe I’ve been wrong from the beginning.
Maybe, they’ve been laughing at me all this time instead of trying to get closer to me; maybe I’m so delusional even they can see it, and it makes them feel batter to have someone they can laugh at. Maybe, I’ve read all the signs wrong and I’m thinking too much into things that mean absolutely nothing. Maybe, they just think I’m a bitch that needs to stay away from them. Maybe, I’m just going crazy right now and should stop writing this because I’m only making myself crazier. Maybe, one day I’ll learn the truth. Maybe, it’s time someone tries to figure something out for once instead of just watching it pass by hoping it’ll turn to them and give them all the answers. Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe they hate me. Maybe they like me. Maybe they just don’t care, doesn’t seem they do about much else, why would this be any different?
Really I don’t know what I’ve been thinking about lately. None of this makes the slightest bit of sense to me. After all this time how could this all just become “clear” to me. Is it really that complicated to understand how you feel for someone? You’d think it would be easier to tell, either you like someone or don’t. No, it obviously doesn’t work that way.
He’s a good guy, smart, and generally nice to me. At least I think he’s nice to me. He talked to me a little today….
One of these days I’ll figure out the truth, let’s just hope it doesn’t tear me to pieces….
Love,
xoxox
~Baylee Jean
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