Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Goodbye my Friend
It’s been nearly one year ago today that I
started using this blog as a confidant. At the beginning of 2011 I told you I’d
write every day, then I changed it to 3x a week, and somehow it changed to just
whenever I felt like it. And even though I failed at keeping up my part of the
bargain, even though I abandoned you for an entire summer, even though I was
probably the worst blogger in the world, you were always here for me. You’ve
been like a loyal friend to me, the only one I could always count on to be
there, no matter what. Through thick and thin (no matter how clichéd that
sounds) I have told you all that was important to me, and you took it, without judgment.
You’ve heard all the negative thoughts in my head, and yet you didn’t leave.
Loyal. Thank you. And yes, I know you are an inanimate object, or idea,
thought, who knows what, but still I think of you as a friend.
2011, what can I say, it certainly
has been something. In all honesty I can’t say I’ll be sad to see this year
leave. It hasn’t necessarily been a good
year, or one that I look back at with much fondness. Sure, there are some
memories I’ll care to remember: I met Conner this year (certainly one of my new
best friends, I know he’ll always have my back), I got my puppy Molly this year
(though she’s a handful I love her with all my heart), and that day in the
summer when I got to hang out with Miranda, Conner, Kate, Alex, and Cameron
(they all give me so much joy). Then there have been the bad that I won’t be
able to forget, no matter how hard I try: the New York trip being canceled, my
grandpa getting Cancer (although he seems fine now), my favorite cat of about 7
years having to get put down because of breast cancer and liquid in her lungs
(Daisy, may you rest in peace), the same night as my cat dying one of my best
friends was going to commit suicide and I had to tell my mom in to figure out
what to do (I had restrained from telling her for a long time so as not to
worry her, but my mom is strong and she called the cops. I don’t know if
Justice would have actually done it, but I’m glad we called the police), and
ending the year single when all my friends are in relationships with each other
(though I am happy that they’re all happy).
In a few hours this day will be
over, and with the ending of the day, comes the end of the year. I look forward
to the future, the year 2012 that greats me. I never actually thought I’d be
looking forward to 2012, considering I think we all might actually die this
upcoming year. However, I feel like I will be able to do whatever in 2012, it’ll
be a year about me and about finding myself. At least, that’s what I’m telling
myself. During 2011 I didn’t accomplish anything that I wanted to, did I even
have goals? I was weak this year, not the type of person I want to look in the
mirror and see. So, 2012 will be the year I create that person, the one I want
to see or would actually want to be. This might be another empty promise to
myself, and I would not want to disappoint you anymore than I might have
already, so I will not promise it to you. You’ve been far too good a friend to
have to deal with the woes and worries of 2012, that’s not your job. Today, your
duty has been fulfilled.
This post has not been to simply say
goodbye to 2011, but to say goodbye to you. This year is over, and so our time
together must now come to an end. My dear friend, don’t take this personally,
but for us both to move on, we must actually move on. Now, obviously I’m being
overly dramatic. You’d be glad to be rid of me. Just kidding of course. Maybe.
Not really.
So this is my goodbye. This is my
thank you. This is my final time talking to you.
I’ll see you on the other side, my
dear friend.
xoxox
Love,
Baylee Jean
Thursday, December 29, 2011
These Invisible Tears
My hand quivers as I type,
I'm shaking.
The words on this screen are all a blur,
I can't see straight.
There are tears behind these eyes,
and if I was smart I would just break down and cry.
But I don't cry.
I never cry.
Crying is a sign of weakness.
I know I'm weak,
but they don't need to see it.
A blockade to hold them back,
a dam to keep them in.
These tears have created an ocean,
in which I wouldn't dare swim.
Jellyfish built from memories: stinging.
Rip currents from doubts: killing.
And though I refuse to shed them,
these invisible tears wish me to tell you what they are about.
This tear is for the trip that got canceled,
because the funds were unavailable.
My heart took the trip anyway, and left me far far away.
This tear is for the girl I didn't know,
the one who didn't stop at the stop sign and passed away,
she was too young and too happy to be stolen away,
her absence is noticed every day.
Another tear for my friendships,
and how they're seeming to fall away.
This tear here,
is for the friend who never saw her worth,
wanted to kill herself,
and probably hates me for stopping her.
A few more tears for my kitty cat,
Daisy, may you rest in peace.
Some tears left my eyes,
but not enough to repay you for the years you never left my side.
And this tear,
it's quite different from the rest.
It's for not trying hard enough,
when we could clearly be the best.
This tear is for you,
but mostly for me.
Everything, everything we could be.
These tears should flow freely,
but they won't ever leave my eyes.
I can't remember what it feels like,
to cry for myself,
to cry for life,
or anyone else.
My hand quivers as I type this,
I can hardly see the screen,
I'm scared of everything I'm thinking,
I'm hoping it's all just a bad dream.
He said he can't come downtown.
I don't honestly think he tried very hard.
But why would he,
who would just waste perfectly good energy to hangout with me?
My heart is strangled,
twisting in my chest,
trying to break free,
and forget the rest.
You were here,
for what, five seconds?
Came to tell me you were leaving,
not coming along,
then laughed and left.
I don't wanna be here anymore.
Friday, December 23, 2011
A Place in Hell
The flames are coming,
to scorch and burn us all,
turning these sinful bodies into ash,
sending us all to hell.
The end of the world is approaching,
with every tick-tock of the clock
we draw nearer.
What will I leave behind?
When nothing's left
it doesn't matter anyway.
At God's gate we shall wait,
nervous looks to one another.
A choir of angels singing from beyond the golden gates,
but their holy harmony,
turned morbid as the death march rings through the air.
We all know we don't deserve to be there.
Then they call me up,
and I'll see my saviors face.
He'll read the records,
searching for some trace
that I am worthy
of staying in his holy place
mystified by his sacred grace.
And in that split second,
he'll read through all the things I've done,
and I sit there in front of him guilty
knowing the verdict before he's given one.
As I'm dragged away to the fires of hell,
I let out one last yell:
"Damned and condemned,
I've suffered worse than Satan's wrath,
and soul sucking demons.
Drag me away,
I've waited forever to be your willing prey."
And I see him,
the devil,
standing before me.
I smile, and laugh,
he just looks at me.
Finally I am happy,
released from the murderous, imprisoning earth,
away from deceiving backstabbers
and shattered hopes and dreams.
They say hell is pain, servitude, burning pain,
but when you've lived a lifetime on this earth.
Hell sure seems peaceful to me.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
In all hate, you are the most ridiculous.
Your hateful tongues,
I find it funny.
But no of course you don't confront me.
You are a coward, afraid of yourself.
Have you ever done anything for yourself.
Honestly, think about it, if you have something to say, say it. Don't hide from me, and talk behind my back. That's what you're doing, and it almost makes you as much of a bitch as I am. You know it's bad when I can say that honestly.
I don't mean to make that sound rude, but it's tough love.
You can't say stuff about me, and not too me. That's talking behind someone's back and it does't work that way.
I always thought my friends were behind me. One hundred percent supporting me.
Can they not see that I've committed myself to this cause and have to work for it?
They're all fucking idiots right now.
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