These Invisible Tears

My hand quivers as I type,
I'm shaking.


The words on this screen are all a blur,
I can't see straight.
There are tears behind these eyes,
and if I was smart I would just break down and cry.


But I don't cry.


I never cry.


Crying is a sign of weakness.
I know I'm weak,
but they don't need to see it.


A blockade to hold them back,
a dam to keep them in.


These tears have created an ocean,
in which I wouldn't dare swim.
Jellyfish built from memories: stinging.
Rip currents from doubts: killing.


And though I refuse to shed them,
these invisible tears wish me to tell you what they are about.


This tear is for the trip that got canceled,
because the funds were unavailable.
My heart took the trip anyway, and left me far far away.


This tear is for the girl I didn't know,
the one who didn't stop at the stop sign and passed away,
she was too young and too happy to be stolen away,
her absence is noticed every day.


Another tear for my friendships,
and how they're seeming to fall away.


This tear here,
is for the friend who never saw her worth,
wanted to kill herself,
and probably hates me for stopping her.


A few more tears for my kitty cat,
Daisy, may you rest in peace.
Some tears left my eyes,
but not enough to repay you for the years you never left my side.


And this tear,
it's quite different from the rest.
It's for not trying hard enough,
when we could clearly be the best.
This tear is for you,
but mostly for me.
Everything, everything we could be.


These tears should flow freely,
but they won't ever leave my eyes.


I can't remember what it feels like,
to cry for myself,
to cry for life,
or anyone else.


My hand quivers as I type this,
I can hardly see the screen,
I'm scared of everything I'm thinking,
I'm hoping it's all just a bad dream.