Taco

I want a muffin!
that is my story
love baylee?!!!
i think....

More Teen Agnst, or just more proof that life sucks?

Well,

               Epic fail at posting 3 times a week, huh?

               Yeah I know, I suck, get over it.

               I’m sure there are a million questions floating in your head right now, huh future self? Well calm down I’ll get to it all. Honestly, my life isn’t that exciting. And honestly, I’m not sure if I can handle this hectic nonsense any longer.

    I must start by saying, my AP TEST IS OVER!! (I’m almost positive that’ll be the ONLY good thing you’ll hear on this post). So, yesterday from 8am- to about 11:45am I was taking my first AP test ever. It wasn’t fun but I’m glad it’s over and now we pretty much get to goof off in class. Speaking of goofing off in class, today we played Mafia in AP World History. First round, I kind of fail considering I accidentally showed everyone my card.... Second Round, I was the last to die considering Katrina and Maria put drugs into my toothpaste that induced a heart attack. We killed all of the innocent towns people, and only the murderers were left living in the end. Hmm....I guess we kind of suck a Mafia....oh well fun game anyway.

    This week was all pretty stressful. I think I’m going to put it all in groups.

Friends:

    My oh my oh my......Where to begin. Let’s just say it hasn’t been a very good week in the friendship department. I really don’t even have a clue what to do anymore. I’m not sure what I can say to them without saying something wrong, I’m not sure what I can ask without them freaking out, I’m not even sure who I can trust with what anymore. Sometimes, it seems like I’m just there to make them feel better about themselves and so they have someone to put down when they need to feel stronger. It’s not a great position to be in. But I’ve been in it plenty of times before and I always seem to get out with my life, pride, dignity, and our friendship still amazingly intact. And the other one. I feel so helpless because there’s not much I can do to help her. Hun, I know you’ve heard me say this a million and ten times by now, and it’s probably annoying the heck outta you but that boy is blind and can’t see the amazing, amazing chick right in front of him. But I suppose on the bright there may be one good thing happening in the friendship department right now. I believe I have made a new friend. I know that may sound weird, but it’s not very often I get new friends so deal with it. His name is Conner. He sits with Miranda and Katelyn during art and they made me start talking to him. He’s a good person to talk to. He’s interesting, often sounds very wise, and has a strange addiction to Mountain Dew. We talk some in Geometry. We aren’t like best friends or anything but considering I’ve only really been talking to him for a grand total of 2 weeks ,yeah...So that’s how things are going with all of them....huh, well then.

Family:

I think they’re all smoking pot. My mom, still hasn’t stopped nagging me about anything. Nothing new there. I wonder if she knows that she’s only pushing me farther and farther away from this place?  I’m not sure she realizes that with each day that passes t’s another day loser I get to leaving Michigan, and living my own life. I wonder...I love my mom though, don’t get me wrong with that. I will in fact, miss her when I’m gone. Me and my dad had a good night though. Since my mom is on her yearly mother’s day shopping trip with my grandma and aunt it meant time for father-daughter bonding”. We ate pizza which my dad drowned in crushed-red pepper, it tasted great but our mouths were burning and we watched “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl”. Man, did that bring back some good memories.... On Thursday night we’re going to go see the new one at the first midnight showing. I’m gonna be tired on Friday at school but it’s worth it. I mean seriously, JOHNNY DEPP! So that’s family at the moment, it’s alright enough I guess. Still not sure what I can say to them without them lecturing me or “worrying” about me.

School:

    Don’t even get me started. I have a ton of missing assignments in Geometry and I know it. Gosh. I am getting a-’s in every class, except geometry, I’m getting a C, probably a C- by now. I just don’t understand the material half the time, a quarter of the time I forget I have it or put it off because of other homework, and the last quarter I just don’t feel like doing it. I know I’m getting myself into a bad habit. Trust me, this weekend is devoted to Geometry. Well actually it’s devoted to geometry and sleep.

Guys:

    -Deep exasperated sigh- We all know I am very very unskillful in this area. Long eyelashes doesn’t seem like the right type of guy for me. He’s kinda a very good Christian boy and I’m kinda a confused Christian girl who never goes to church except on holidays... SO i just don’t really think I like him anymore. He still seems like a great guy I just don’t feel like he’s my type or that I’m his (but honestly I’m not anyone’s type). I had another encounter with “I will die” (AKA me and Miranda’s nick name for Brian). Apparently, now Katrina and Brian are against me getting a moped (and Conner sorta) not that I’m going to listen to any of them. Well anyway Brian was eavesdropping on my conversation about it and then he started lecturing me about how I’m gonna die if I get one. And once again I was too nice. And once again it made me feel like a normal person talking to him. And once again I ended up confused in my mind. I have no clue where this crazy world is trying to take me. Cause honestly I might try to destroy the world if it keeps attempting to push me toward Brian. And lastly, I saw “him” yesterday. There were no feelings there. He passed me and said “Hi Baylee” without really talking to me and I either nodded or said a distant hey. Either way, everything that there ever might have possibly ever been between me and Travis is gone like nothing was ever even there. (And Kate tried to tell me that I still am not over him. I don’t know where she’s been but I haven’t liked him since late this summer, and honestly Kate you have NO CLUE what I feel about anyone. Still love ya Kate, but don’t try to tell me the feelings I’m feeling).

Lastly, Last weekend:

Last weekend was actually pretty good. I don’t know how life can go so down him so fast but at least I know it’s possible for good days ever now and again. Me, Kate, Alex, and Conner went to go see the play, “Don’t try to wake him, hand me the shovel.” My dad drove me, Kate and Alex there. Conner came on his own accord, but he was late. Kate freaked out. It was entertaining. We got there early and played soccer with a sophomore ,Daniel and some little kid. Then we sat outside and Mr.Wislon (a teacher that I don’t even have yet) scared the crap outta us. Apparently he thought Alex was Daniel. Daniel came outside and sat with us and told us this about 10 minutes after it happened, we were really confused at first. The play was actually funny,  “OH MY CRAP”. I don’t trust Larissa with an umbrella or Jasmine with a gun. And Me and Jazz both cracked up when Tellious came by and randomly put his hand on my shoulder “SO Baylee how’d you like the play?” I have never once talked to that boy in my life. We waited about an hour for our rides to get there. It was fun. And the ride home was rather entertaining with Alex as our own personal comedian in the back seat.

So all in all that’s life. I’m sure there’s a ton more. But I’m talking to Conner at the moment on Facebook and I really don’t want to think about how stressful of a week it’s been right now. I just wanna chill. SO that’s all for now. We’ll see what else I fell like saying soon. Promise I’ll start writing regularly again.

Love,

Baylee Jean

Xoxox

P.S. Miranda and Katelyn have both told that I’ve been acting “distant” lately… I’m not sure what to say to that.

See Miranda, I told you I'm terrible....This is only one little thing I've thought about that makes me think I'm terrible....

I wonder if I’m going to make it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t.

I try to make myself think I’m strong, but if it came down to it I just hope I wouldn’t coward in fear.

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking about this, but I’ve started to think about what Brian would have to change about himself for me to actually go out with him.

Then I really thought about how terrible it was to think that someone would have to change something about themselves to be able to impress me and I realized how terrible that was. No one should ever have to change anything about them to have me be attracted to them. Still I don’t feel that way about him, but I feel like if he did change those things I might actually like him. But those things include: being more considerate to others feelings, like music, get a Facebook, think before he talks, control his temper a bit, and fix his flatulence problem. That’s a lot to change, and I’ve never wanted to be that person who tries to change someone. In fact I am not going to be the person who tries to change someone (although it would probably be for the better for everyone, except him of course). I wish I could just tell him that it’s not worth it, that I’m not worth it, and that I’m sure some other person would be insanely attracted to him someday but I need a little more than what I believe he has to offer. I can’t of course say that because, firstly I would sound insanely rude and stuck up, and secondly that would mean that I would have to tell him that I assume that he likes me which also sounds really stuck up and could be the wrong assumption. Of course the boy has some great things to offer but I’m afraid that they are almost completely unnoticeable because of the flaws. I really don’t mean to sound as terrible as it sounds like I am right now. I’ve really been thinking about this lately, really I have. I mean seriously, here’s the good qualities: He’s smart and rather enjoys reading good poetry, he can be funny at times (but only when its appropriate to be funny, because so many times he tries to be funny when the timing is completely off and it just makes him look obnoxious), I can talk to him like the two of us are actually normal people and I don’t worry about him judging me too harshly (because it’d be weird if he judged me and if he judges me badly then I’m pretty sure he knows that I can judge him just as badly), I’ve known him for a while, he’s a little nerdy sometimes so when I say something completely nerdy then it would be like me saying something really nerdy… I still don’t even know why I’ve been thinkning about this. I guess that if he ever does randomly ask me out I don’t want to make the mistake of giving him the wrong answer by saying yes or no. I might tell him something like, “we’ll see how it works out” or “let’s go hang out and get to know each other a bit more before we make a decision like that” because I honestly don’t know. The teasing I’ll get for goin out with him wouldn’t really bother me much, I don’t give a crap what people think of me just because of the people I decide to associate with. I think that might be one of the reasons he possibly maybe likes me, because I use to be one of the only girls that were ever nice to him. I’m still overly nice to him, I don’t even know why. He’s a person and deserves to be treated like one, and if people knew that then maybe he wouldn’t have gone to such an extreme with his obnoxiousness.

People will be the death of me.

I won’t die because of a disease, of because of global warming, or anything like that. I’ll die because of the human population and their crazy ways. Because of their critical judgments, their harsh words, their double personalities, and the knives they are willing to stab into anyone’s back. It’s a sad truth and I know it. It’s clear, everyone in this earth is slowly (or quickly) going mad.  People are either too smart or too dumb.

Take Rihanna for example. She’s on the too dumb side (she just came on the radio). Listen to her new song, her new song says: “I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it… sticks and stones may break bones, but chains and whips excite me.” Yeah, I use to feel bad for her because Chris Brown beat her, well now I almost think she deserved it because of this song. Apparently, she enjoyed it and didn’t care. So she shouldn’t expect any sympathy from me. I mean for her sake I hope it doesn’t happen again, but with a song like this it wouldn’t surprise me if her next boyfriend beats her too.

Love challenge-day 3

Love Challenge- Day 4: Your first love, in great detail.

            Well, honestly you’ve probably heard enough about him and I don’t really feel like thinking about him that much. But for the sake of the day 4 challenge I will describe him, but I’m not sure it will be in GREAT detail. Does that sound good to you? Honestly, if you read back on some of my post I’ve talked about him plenty. He’s known as, “the boy with the gorgeous bright blue eyes”, “the one who got away”, “Cheerio”, and “forever my first love”. It’s all kind of cheesy and pointless considering we never dated, in fact I never even told him I liked him.

            His name was Travis. Yeah, he was pretty brilliant. I liked him since the middle of 6^th grade until the very very end of 8^th grade. I know I was pathetic, I still am. He had tan skin, a gorgeous smile, and beautiful bright baby blue eyes. He played basketball, soccer, and football. He was smart, and nice, and social. I’m thoroughly convinced everyone liked him at one point or time in their lives. I’m just the one that liked him the most and the longest. He was so funny, and I must admit a little goofy and clumsy. He was so nice to me, and honestly I always felt oddly confident and oddly shy around him.

            I met him in book club in 6^th grade. That’s why I thought he was so brilliant in the first place, he liked to read. At first I just thought that he was a popular boy that was stuck up. But there were so few people in book club and I really got to know him. I fell head over heels for that boy. There are so many diary entries and random things I have written and to him (with no intention to send) that I’ve collected. He was the first boy I ever called, and called and called.

            In all truth he probably thought I was really annoying, because I was. I was EXTREMELY obnoxious back then. I hope I’m not still. But there will always be a special place in my heart for him. Of course there will be because he was and will always be my first love!

Love,

            Baylee Jean

            xoxox

Love Challenge- Day 3

Love Challenge- Day 3: What is your definition of love?

            Love pulls at your emotions and tears at your heart. It’s something more than an emotion; something much stronger. Love is the reason for the pain in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach. Love is what keeps us all dreaming and creates our wildest fantasies. It’s the most confusing, crazy, hectic, thing that is, or is not, known to man. Love is something that is almost impossible to understand. Love is the heartbreak you feel when someone walks away, and you know you’ll never see them again. Love is that feeling of regret that you’ll never forget, because you left so many things unsaid. Love is, understanding someone although you thought you’d never understand. Love is listening to everything, even when nothing is said. Love is always being there, so there’s always a shoulder to cry on. Love is talking for hours, and holding on to each other’s words. Love is holding on to something, and there being something to hold on to. Love is something you feel deep inside your chest. Love is your minds worst enemy. Love is everything and nothing. Love is some it something terrible-wonderful. Love is all you have when life leaves you with nothing. Love is valuable. Love may not exist.

            Love would be him talking to me for hours, about life, love, and dreams; and he tries to understand everything that I say. He contributes equally to the conversation and has his own words of wisdom and philosophy to share. Love would be him holding me in his arms, because he knows I feel like I’ll fall right off the earth without something steady holding me down. Love would be him doing all the corny clichés just to make me believe in the possibility of a fairytale ending. Love would be something that would make me feel safe, and sane, and wanted by someone on this earth; love would be anything that shows me that someone actually cares.

            I need a guy to come along that actually cares, and even though he knows I’ve gone mad he somehow sees past that and for some reasons believes that I’m worth it…. That’s all I need. That’s all love HAS to be.

Love Challenge- Day 2

Love Challenge- Day 2: What is your dream person like?

It’s a warm summer day, and the sun is just setting. I’m wearing my brown and white polka-dotted bathing suit top and knee-length shorts. No shoes on, because I’m standing on the beach; completely mesmerized by the sun setting against the water. I don’t hear him walk up behind me, and when he rests his hand on my shoulder I turn around quickly, and gasp. Then I realize it’s him, a friend I’ve made over the summer, and I smile.

 It’s summer and I’m happy, I have no fear, and I feel as if I can do anything; that’s why we became friends in the first place.  He had come up to me earlier in the summer and just said ‘hi’, that’s all. That greeting grew into a ‘what’s up’ and from there a whole conversation spewed from our mouths. That’s when it all started, just a few weeks before this particular day. That conversation grew into swapping phone numbers, then meeting up again; pretty soon that lead to boat rides and fishing, sand castles and written words on the sand, and eventually laying on the beach starring at the stars while talking about the world.

 He has depth, and isn’t the least bit shallow. He’s funny and can make me laugh whenever I need some cheering up. He can hold a conversation about anything, without getting bored. He’s protective but understands that I can stand up for myself. He believes in me and my dreams and supports me. His dreams are just as big and he’s ambitious; he’s making plans to make them come true. He cares about life and he’s a smart boy. I’ve had a crush on him since the day we met, even though I haven’t said anything.

He’s smiles at me, but doesn’t say a word. He can see, just as well as I, how beautiful the scene is. But he interrupts the silence; he has to make sure the timing is perfect. He careful grabs my hand and makes our fingers intertwine. I turn my head to look at him and smile but flash him a look of confusion.

“Can I talk to you?” He asks me, a sparkle in his gorgeous eyes.

By now I’m thinking of situations that I’m hoping will happen. “Of course!” I flirt, as we start to walk towards a bench and sit down.

I don’t look at him at first and stare down at my flip-flops, but then I realize how ridiculous I’m acting; if I can be comfortable with anyone, it’s him. I look up at him and stare into his eyes, and suddenly I’m lost in them. He doesn’t say anything at first, but instead takes a moment to explore the depths of my eyes, which are glistening bright blue at the moment. He doesn’t turn away. There is nothing awkward about the eye contact, it feels natural.

“Baylee, your eyes are gorgeous! I could look at them for hours and still not be able to comprehend the complexity of what lies beneath them.”

My smile grows wider, as I say ‘thank you’. I want to clarify that he’s flirting with me, so I change the conversation to see if he returns to the compliments, “Well you’re one to talk, have you ever seen your eyes? They’re brilliant! In fact, I’m jealous of them.”

He rolls his eyes and laughs, “You’re insane! Even the sky is jealous of how blue your eyes are.”

I know he’s exaggerating, but I also know better than to decline the compliment, especially from him, “Thank you,  __________”

We both sit there silent for a minute, and look out at the sun which continues to sink lower, and is rapidly being eaten by the lake.

“I’m glad I met you this summer, ________. You’re my best friend!” I speak first, and then realize that what I’ve said may discourage him from ever liking me.

I’m proven wrong, “You’re my best friend too, Baylee! But, I was hoping we could become something more than that…You know, I’ve practiced this a million times and I still can’t say it right.”

I don’t want to interrupt him, but I don’t want him to lose courage. I think for once I know what’s going to happen, and I hold my breath because I don’t want whatever fantasy  I’m living in to disappear.

“What, say it?” I encourage.

“Baylee, I really like you! Will you be my girlfriend?” I can see the anxiety on his face as he awaits my answer, but he refuses to lose his confidence until after he makes sure that the answer isn’t no.

There is no way I would ever turn him down, and I would think that he would know that. Yet another thing I love about him, he knows how to stay humble. “Of course, I’d love to!”

He turns his head to the side and I hear a small whisper of a ‘YES!’ under his breath. Then he turns his head, “Well then, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to do all summer…..” he looks at me to make sure were on the same page as I lean toward him just a little, “May I?”

I nod. He leans in and kisses me, his soft lips brushing mine. It’s perfect and flawless. Nothing too far just first kiss of many. We smile at each other, and I feel like flying!

We watch as the last of the sliver of sun disappears, off the side of the earth and as the sun floats into the sky. I lean my head on his shoulder as we both wish on the first star of the night, and kiss once more before we regrettably part for the night. Both of us looking forward to the rest of the summer with each other to hold.

(So, I know I was probably supposed to make a list or something, but this story keeps me sane. This would be perfect and any guy that would do this would be the perfect guy for me and I would absolutely love him. I know this is pretty cheesy and there’s absolutely no chance of this ever happening to me, but I can dream, even if my dreams disappoint me in the end. But this is what my perfect guy would be like and how I would be able to act around him. So, day 2 is complete!)

xoxox

~Baylee Miller

But don't do a thing....

Watch me fall in love;

Watch me fall out.

Watch as these deadly emotions control what I make my life about.

Watch as I tear my whole apart;

Watch as I frantically question, every little thought.

Watch me watching

But don’t say thing,

I’m so confused and not sure of anything.

Hear me ramble on and on.

Hear me speak, a silent song;

Hear the words I didn’t say.

Hear the threats that try to kill me;

Hear the true meaning behind each word.

Hear me hearing

But keep it to yourself,

I’m still trying to conceal myself.

Feel the truth, I’ve yet to learn

Feel the pain, I can’t express

Feel the hurt inside my chest.

Feel the butterflies inside of me

Feel the weakness, I won’t let you see.

Feel me feeling something too

But don’t say a thing

It could be the end of me, and maybe you.

Know what I mean, when I say nothing;

Know the truth, when I show you the lie.

Know the real me, when even I can’t see;

Know that I have no clue what I’m doing.

Know that I love you, because I’m not strong enough to show it.

Know I know something

But don’t tell me a thing;

These thoughts are already suffocating me.

Help me feel secure, when insecurities penetrate me;

Help me feel loved, in this cold hate-filled world.

Help me learn, what’s inside my soul;

Help me believe, because I lost hope long ago;

Help me to heal, from the broken heartedness I’ve brought upon me.

Help me help someone

Or don’t help me at all,

Just watch and see how easily I’ll fall.

Care because you want to,

Care because you feel it too.

Care because no one else will;

Care because I need you.

Care because you think I’m worth it.

Care because caring is all I need you to do

But don’t,

Because I might start to believe in you.

Love the way time spins, because you’re spending it with me.

Love the thought of tomorrow, as long as tomorrow doesn’t slip away.

Love the possibilities of what we could become.

Love somebody, because it must be done.

Love the dreams that lye in your heart.

Love me loving you;

Because I love you

And I don’t know what to do.