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Sunday, April 24, 2011

Love Challenge- Day 3

Love Challenge- Day 3: What is your definition of love?
            Love pulls at your emotions and tears at your heart. It’s something more than an emotion; something much stronger. Love is the reason for the pain in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach. Love is what keeps us all dreaming and creates our wildest fantasies. It’s the most confusing, crazy, hectic, thing that is, or is not, known to man. Love is something that is almost impossible to understand. Love is the heartbreak you feel when someone walks away, and you know you’ll never see them again. Love is that feeling of regret that you’ll never forget, because you left so many things unsaid. Love is, understanding someone although you thought you’d never understand. Love is listening to everything, even when nothing is said. Love is always being there, so there’s always a shoulder to cry on. Love is talking for hours, and holding on to each other’s words. Love is holding on to something, and there being something to hold on to. Love is something you feel deep inside your chest. Love is your minds worst enemy. Love is everything and nothing. Love is some it something terrible-wonderful. Love is all you have when life leaves you with nothing. Love is valuable. Love may not exist.
            Love would be him talking to me for hours, about life, love, and dreams; and he tries to understand everything that I say. He contributes equally to the conversation and has his own words of wisdom and philosophy to share. Love would be him holding me in his arms, because he knows I feel like I’ll fall right off the earth without something steady holding me down. Love would be him doing all the corny clichés just to make me believe in the possibility of a fairytale ending. Love would be something that would make me feel safe, and sane, and wanted by someone on this earth; love would be anything that shows me that someone actually cares.
            I need a guy to come along that actually cares, and even though he knows I’ve gone mad he somehow sees past that and for some reasons believes that I’m worth it…. That’s all I need. That’s all love HAS to be.

Love Challenge- Day 2

Love Challenge- Day 2: What is your dream person like?

It’s a warm summer day, and the sun is just setting. I’m wearing my brown and white polka-dotted bathing suit top and knee-length shorts. No shoes on, because I’m standing on the beach; completely mesmerized by the sun setting against the water. I don’t hear him walk up behind me, and when he rests his hand on my shoulder I turn around quickly, and gasp. Then I realize it’s him, a friend I’ve made over the summer, and I smile.
 It’s summer and I’m happy, I have no fear, and I feel as if I can do anything; that’s why we became friends in the first place.  He had come up to me earlier in the summer and just said ‘hi’, that’s all. That greeting grew into a ‘what’s up’ and from there a whole conversation spewed from our mouths. That’s when it all started, just a few weeks before this particular day. That conversation grew into swapping phone numbers, then meeting up again; pretty soon that lead to boat rides and fishing, sand castles and written words on the sand, and eventually laying on the beach starring at the stars while talking about the world.
 He has depth, and isn’t the least bit shallow. He’s funny and can make me laugh whenever I need some cheering up. He can hold a conversation about anything, without getting bored. He’s protective but understands that I can stand up for myself. He believes in me and my dreams and supports me. His dreams are just as big and he’s ambitious; he’s making plans to make them come true. He cares about life and he’s a smart boy. I’ve had a crush on him since the day we met, even though I haven’t said anything.
He’s smiles at me, but doesn’t say a word. He can see, just as well as I, how beautiful the scene is. But he interrupts the silence; he has to make sure the timing is perfect. He careful grabs my hand and makes our fingers intertwine. I turn my head to look at him and smile but flash him a look of confusion.
“Can I talk to you?” He asks me, a sparkle in his gorgeous eyes.
By now I’m thinking of situations that I’m hoping will happen. “Of course!” I flirt, as we start to walk towards a bench and sit down.
I don’t look at him at first and stare down at my flip-flops, but then I realize how ridiculous I’m acting; if I can be comfortable with anyone, it’s him. I look up at him and stare into his eyes, and suddenly I’m lost in them. He doesn’t say anything at first, but instead takes a moment to explore the depths of my eyes, which are glistening bright blue at the moment. He doesn’t turn away. There is nothing awkward about the eye contact, it feels natural.
“Baylee, your eyes are gorgeous! I could look at them for hours and still not be able to comprehend the complexity of what lies beneath them.”
My smile grows wider, as I say ‘thank you’. I want to clarify that he’s flirting with me, so I change the conversation to see if he returns to the compliments, “Well you’re one to talk, have you ever seen your eyes? They’re brilliant! In fact, I’m jealous of them.”
He rolls his eyes and laughs, “You’re insane! Even the sky is jealous of how blue your eyes are.”
I know he’s exaggerating, but I also know better than to decline the compliment, especially from him, “Thank you,  __________”
We both sit there silent for a minute, and look out at the sun which continues to sink lower, and is rapidly being eaten by the lake.
“I’m glad I met you this summer, ________. You’re my best friend!” I speak first, and then realize that what I’ve said may discourage him from ever liking me.
I’m proven wrong, “You’re my best friend too, Baylee! But, I was hoping we could become something more than that…You know, I’ve practiced this a million times and I still can’t say it right.”
I don’t want to interrupt him, but I don’t want him to lose courage. I think for once I know what’s going to happen, and I hold my breath because I don’t want whatever fantasy  I’m living in to disappear.
“What, say it?” I encourage.
“Baylee, I really like you! Will you be my girlfriend?” I can see the anxiety on his face as he awaits my answer, but he refuses to lose his confidence until after he makes sure that the answer isn’t no.
There is no way I would ever turn him down, and I would think that he would know that. Yet another thing I love about him, he knows how to stay humble. “Of course, I’d love to!”
He turns his head to the side and I hear a small whisper of a ‘YES!’ under his breath. Then he turns his head, “Well then, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to do all summer…..” he looks at me to make sure were on the same page as I lean toward him just a little, “May I?”
I nod. He leans in and kisses me, his soft lips brushing mine. It’s perfect and flawless. Nothing too far just first kiss of many. We smile at each other, and I feel like flying!
We watch as the last of the sliver of sun disappears, off the side of the earth and as the sun floats into the sky. I lean my head on his shoulder as we both wish on the first star of the night, and kiss once more before we regrettably part for the night. Both of us looking forward to the rest of the summer with each other to hold.
(So, I know I was probably supposed to make a list or something, but this story keeps me sane. This would be perfect and any guy that would do this would be the perfect guy for me and I would absolutely love him. I know this is pretty cheesy and there’s absolutely no chance of this ever happening to me, but I can dream, even if my dreams disappoint me in the end. But this is what my perfect guy would be like and how I would be able to act around him. So, day 2 is complete!)
xoxox
~Baylee Miller

Friday, April 22, 2011

But don't do a thing....

Watch me fall in love;
Watch me fall out.
Watch as these deadly emotions control what I make my life about.
Watch as I tear my whole apart;
Watch as I frantically question, every little thought.
Watch me watching
But don’t say thing,
I’m so confused and not sure of anything.

Hear me ramble on and on.
Hear me speak, a silent song;
Hear the words I didn’t say.
Hear the threats that try to kill me;
Hear the true meaning behind each word.
Hear me hearing
But keep it to yourself,
I’m still trying to conceal myself.

Feel the truth, I’ve yet to learn
Feel the pain, I can’t express
Feel the hurt inside my chest.
Feel the butterflies inside of me
Feel the weakness, I won’t let you see.
Feel me feeling something too
But don’t say a thing
It could be the end of me, and maybe you.

Know what I mean, when I say nothing;
Know the truth, when I show you the lie.
Know the real me, when even I can’t see;
Know that I have no clue what I’m doing.
Know that I love you, because I’m not strong enough to show it.
Know I know something
But don’t tell me a thing;
These thoughts are already suffocating me.

Help me feel secure, when insecurities penetrate me;
Help me feel loved, in this cold hate-filled world.
Help me learn, what’s inside my soul;
Help me believe, because I lost hope long ago;
Help me to heal, from the broken heartedness I’ve brought upon me.
Help me help someone
Or don’t help me at all,
Just watch and see how easily I’ll fall.

Care because you want to,
Care because you feel it too.
Care because no one else will;
Care because I need you.
Care because you think I’m worth it.
Care because caring is all I need you to do
But don’t,
Because I might start to believe in you.

Love the way time spins, because you’re spending it with me.
Love the thought of tomorrow, as long as tomorrow doesn’t slip away.
Love the possibilities of what we could become.
Love somebody, because it must be done.
Love the dreams that lye in your heart.
Love me loving you;
Because I love you
And I don’t know what to do.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Violated

People are idiots.
Let me tell you something. If you’re going to rob a house, do it right! Honestly steal the right stuff, break-in at the right time, and I don’t know just don’t be stupid.  Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard for people to be less stupid.
As you might be able to tell, someone broke into our house today. They stole: the Wii, one Wii controller, my mom’s jewelry (parent’s class rings and mom’s wedding band), the receipt to the pants I wanted to return, and (drumroll please), the good camera. Aren’t people just lovely?
I was at school when this all happened obviously. My mom had been gone for 30 minutes, from 7:35 to 8:05, and within that time they managed to break the flimsy window into the basement, break-in, take my pants out of the JCP bad and use the bag to cram all our stuff in. Luckily, my room is under construction as I try to redecorate it; they probably took one look at my room and said “Heck Naw, we ain’t goin’ in there!” I’m lucky. Honestly, if they would have come in here they would have found my laptop right away, and my stereo would have been an easy steal as well. Thank goodness!
Seriously though, I just wish they would have actually done a good job that’s what ticks me off. (I mean I’m glad they didn’t but honestly…).
Another thing that pisses me off, my cats are so shaken up. My dad thinks it’s a possibility they might have kicked Daisy or something. I mean they might not have, but they did something to scare her so much. The mailman walked by and she even jumped. She’s better now that I’m home. But those A** better keep their feet or any other grimy limbs away from my baby or else I swear to goodness I will…. Oh you don’t even want to know what I’d do to them!
Want to know what Miranda said? “Where’s that dog when you need one!”
So true Miranda! Jasper would have scared the pants off those guys. Then there would be some random pairs of pants lying around our house, and that’s be confusing.
Anyway, annoyed rant over.
I can’t believe those idiots. Couldn’t they at least be stupid smarter?
xoxox
~Baylee jean
p.s. By the way I met the new neighbor and her dogs (ones a beagle) and her bearded dragons today!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Love Challenge: Day 01

Love Challenge: Day 01- Are you in a relationship right now? If not why do you think you’re single?

       I am currently single. But, of course, I’ve always been single. I’ve only been “asked out” twice, once in elementary school and once in seventh grade. I really don’t count either of them. Being single; I honestly don’t know how to describe it to you. You can be content hangout with your friends, and then you turn the corner and BAM happy couples everywhere. All of a sudden you feel lonely and nothing can get you out of that funk. Well, nothing except the attention of a guy. Which is rather hard to come by nowadays. It seems that Prince Charming doesn’t exist anymore, and if he does then he was not trained very well in the arts of sweeping young maidens off their feet and rescuing damsels in distress. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe there’s a certain type of maiden that the charming young princes fall for. And maybe I’m not it.
       What do those damsels in distress have that I don’t? Well, everything. I’m clearly not the smartest maiden, I’m obviously not the prettiest maiden, and I’m not the most confident maiden. Honestly, I don’t have a clue what any guy could ever see in me. I talk a little too much, I laugh a little too loud, I’m a little too shy, and I’m too opinionated on the ways of the world. I sometimes come off mean when I’m trying to be sweet. I’m not very good at flirting, and when I do get to the stage where I start to flirt with someone, it’s either too obvious or too obnoxious. I can’t think of one reason any guy would want to be with me. Not one.
       If love was a person, she would be the popular girl and I would be the nerd in the tired cliché. She would hate me and bully me for doing everything wrong. Yet I would try to do whatever just so I could to be just like her and I would envy how amazing and lucky she was. Then Loves friendly, popular, charming boyfriend, Crush, would be the best friend that I’d fall in love with. Unfortunately, Crush and I would always talk and I’d get comfortable with him, but he’s never feel quite as comfortable with me because he’s with love; because there has to be love with two people for a crush to ever evolve into anything more. Since I am nothing like Love I would never be able to get crush. Therefore I remain the lonely nerdy, loveless, crushless girl.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I saw HIM today...

There are a lot of things I regret in this life. Whether they be things I wish I could take back or things I wish I would have done. I think most are things I wish I would have done though. Add one more thing to that list today…
I put on “a mask” today. Do you have any clue how painful that is? To pretend you don’t care when really you couldn’t be any happier or any more relieved. I don’t think anyone knows what I’m feeling right now. It’s crazy and I don’t know why I’m letting it get the best of me, but I am and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Today my school went to the college fair. It was fine I guess, it was very crowded, many different schools were there; including his school. Cheerio. The thought had already occurred to me that Wellspring might be there; they are practically just like our school and do everything ours does so why wouldn’t they be there. I looked around to see if I would spot him when we first got there but when I didn’t see him I gave up and forgot about the possibility that he might be there. I should have remembered so I could have anticipated it, at least so I could have been ready to see him. Miranda and I had started walking around and within the first 5 minutes we had already lost Katelyn. We thought she had abandoned us to go walk around with Iain but we were wrong. Of course, I should have known that if she were to abandon us for anyone it would have been Cheerio. I should have known, it was just like old times. I give all my heart away and Katelyn steals the position (no offense Katelyn, Love ya!). After we had gone around and looked at all of the colleges for the first time we went back to the beginning to look for Katelyn. Eventually, we found her. How did I not notice him standing behind her? What happened to the radar, did it really completely disappear? I spent forever with that radar of always knowing where he was, I could sense it, and now it’s all of a sudden gone. If it’s gone where did it go?
Then Katelyn gestured toward him and he turned around. I can’t remember the reaction on my face at that moment. I think for the first few seconds I saw him I had a wide smile and bright eyes, “Oh my goodness, Travis!” and then he swooped in for a hug! I wish I would have cherished that hug, I was so excited to see him that I couldn’t even register it. Then he hugged Miranda who was at the time jumping up and down, “Travis, Travis, Travis!!” After the hugs were exchanged he introduced “the family”, I wish he still referred to all of us that way. They all looked like fairly nice people, but I couldn’t help but think “thank you god for not letting him be with his girlfriend!” I would not have been able to handle it if she had been with him, seeing him “love” her and her the same to him, even though I already know they aren’t truly in love, and they know that too. It would have killed me. I’m just so glad she wasn’t with him. Then he saw Brit and turned around enthusiastically and started to go say hi to her. HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE US THAT EASILY WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GOODBYE! I turned back ever so slightly, “Peace” I said just loud enough so that he would for sure hear me. He did, “oh, byeeeee” By that point my excitement had gone way down, so much to a point I don’t think anyone would have noticed I had ever been excited, and I was in that state-of-mind where you can’t even register things going on outside of you unless they have to do with whatever is distracting you. I was in that state-of-mind that comes right before you realize how hurt you truly are and you think you are just relieved that it’s over. I was in that state-of-mind where I would do anything just to get one last glance at him.
After Miranda and I looked around a little more and went into this really boring workshop about scholarships and finical aid we went into the lobby and waited for our advisors to come. While we were waiting we heard Wellspring Prep called over the intercom that their bus had arrived, once I heard that I was awoken from my trance?”, I said, “over there, yes I think we need to go say goodbye to Travis”! So, I made Miranda follow me as I stalked Travis to his group and said, “We came to say goodbye…” and I put my arms out for a hug and then he hugged me again! This time I didn’t want to let go and I paid attention to what was going on. No I’m going to go a little teen-angst on you so, please just forgive me. His arms are nice and strong and he’s so tall, but he doesn’t seem as tall as he used to considering I’ve grown a few inches. His eyes are still gorgeous; I forced myself to look into them at the last minute just so I could remember them, they are still a beautiful bright baby blue. I miss looking into them. I just wish his arm was back around me giving me another hug. (Did I mention that I got more hugs from him today than I did in three years of middle school? It’s true, and that is if that hug even counts. On the night we were leaving after graduation I gave him a hug and broke down into tears, and that was all I ever hugged him in Middle school, now I got more hugs than that. My middle school self would be so jealous.) Then Miranda gave him another hug, once again by that point I was pretty zoned out again but I looked over and Travis was lifting her up in the air  in a hug. By that point I was jealous. Then we said goodbye and he said, “Yeah see ya.. (took a minute to think about it) never?!” Really Travis! Do you think that was the smart thing to say… especially to me. He eventually changed it to “well, I’ll see ya sometime.”
I saw him one last time today. When he was going to get on him bus. And that was the last time I saw him today. I wonder how much longer it will be until I see him again. I hadn’t seen him since graduation, on June 11th 2010, and I finally saw him again today one March 28th, 2011. DO you know how long that is? It’s a little over 10 months. That’s almost a year… I miss him.  Do you have any clue how hard it is seeing him after I spent so many years investing my love in him. I loved him. Say what you will about young love, I don’t care. It’s true I seriously loved that boy. Yes, I know that it is seemingly impossible to fall in love with someone when you are in 6th grade and then love them until 8th grade, but I did exactly that.
And now it’s 9th grade. I know anyone reading this will probably take on look at this and think, “she still isn’t over him!” Well let me tell you something, I AM over him. I’m just hurt. You know there’s a song by big and rich and they say, “you never stop lovin somebody, you just start loving somebody else!” So true. Travis was the first guy I ever loved. Give me whatever crap you want to about this but it’s all very true: I do not like him anymore, I have realized the errors of ever going down that path and I don’t even know him anymore. He seems a little different, still Travis, but different. I know I don’t like him. If I had the odd chance to go out with him I probably would not take it. Please don’t take this post as a sign for my true feeling just bursting through because it’s not.
Thank you for listening.
xoxox
~Baylee Miller
P.S. I know I started this post as keeping his name secret but I couldn’t continue that and this post is private so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Listening to: “Falling Stars” by David Archuleta and “That should be me” by Justin Bieber
Watching: “Regular Show” on Cartoon Network
Wearing: Light blue polo with bright blue tank top under and khaki pants.

Here I go....again.

Here I go again.
Do you see what you do to me?

Make me tear myself to pieces,
Rip myself up and let me blow away,
With the wind.

And you’re not even trying!

You don’t know what’s buried inside of me:
These tears I refuse to release,
These confessions that burn in my mind,
In my heart.

I’m so willing to lock myself away.
I’d rather seem like I don’t care,
Than show how much I miss you.

Because, if I do;
If I do show how much I truly care,
Then I won’t be able to stop.
I’ll miss you more,
And more
Until I start crying myself to sleep,
Again.

Then I’ll think of your tan skin,
And how you wrapped your arms around me.

And after I’ll remember the glow of your radiant smile,
And how just seeing you happy always warmed my heart.

And if I don’t stop there
Then I’m lost forever, and there’s
No hope,
Of getting me back.

Because by then
I’m sinking into the deep blue sea
Of you beautiful baby blue eyes—

And I’m lost forever
I’m lost forever
Lost forever
Forever…