Am I Okay?- Poem

People have begun to notice,

they see something different,

something wrong.

They ask me,

'what's wrong'

What's wrong?

You ask like you really care,

like what I say will make some sort of change.

Life you're going to try to help.

So I say,

'nothing, nothing at all'

You proceed on,

you ask and ask,

what's wrong, wrong, wrong!

All I want now is you,

gone.

It doesn't matter what's wrong,

all that should matter is something is,

is very wrong.

Does it matter what the problem is?

Something is wrong.

But I don't tell you that,

'I'm tired, that's all'

Tired. Tired.

I slept like a baby last night,

no way in hell

that I'm 'tired'.

And at that point you say

'okay, if you're sure.'

and I nod,

I nod because I know,

I know that if I told you-

if I told you:

If I told you that I'm angry,

mad at the world and the way that we have chosen

to work our earth like another steel-piped wired machine.

If I told you that I'm ashamed,

upset with the decisions I've mad and regretting

the things I didn't have the courage to do.

If I told you that I'm scared,

deathly afraid of losing everyone I love

and having them give up on me because-

I'm not good enough.

If I told you I'm confused,

so much to the point that I don't know who I am anymore;

You wouldn't say a thing.

Or worse,

you'd look at me like I'm crazy,

like I'm too far gone.

You'd put your hands up in surrender,

'well jeez, who knew life sucked so bad.'

As you walked away,

you're thoughts hateful toward me.

Because I know,

you want to hear:

“I'm doing just swell!

I'm beautiful and proud.

I know my dreams are coming true,

and I'm happy.

Glad I could spend this moment with you.

I believe in fairy tales.

My grades are great and I'm gonna make it

far.

The Lord is my god and I know

he's got a place in heaven saved for me.”

But I can't say it.

I can't say it because I know,

I will never look like the models

on tv.

He will never love me.

So, I can't say that I'm beautiful.

My temper is awful,

and I bite at the souls

of those I love.

How could I dare be proud?

I feel like I'm trapped

doing the same thing day after day.

I don't even know what my dreams are anymore.

The prince rode off a long time ago,

leaving me in the cold:

scared and shy.

Fairytales are a lie.

I couldn't get my grade up in A.P. Gov.

if I gave my last breath for it.

Getting a C is average,

I guess it fits.

I know they're all better than I.

Am I going to make it out of high school alive?

I pray and hope,

I feel God there,

but I wonder

if He really cares about the teenage girl

praying with all her might that her kitty cat will just make it through the night.

I never know what to say.

If I'm positive then I'm lying.

If I'm negative, I'll scare you away.

So please stop asking,

“Are you okay?”