To tell of Joy?

Joy is a moment frozen forever in time.
It's those days or moments that you feel invincible. Those milliseconds when you aren't afraid.
He is joy. Whoever he shall be, is always joy to me. And I find it sad, that I depend so much upon finding that joy, that it's what joy has taken on the form of.
It's a smile back when you look at him, your heart almost leaps.
It's making eye contact with him, while trying to figure out why he thinks the things he thinks.
It's holding a conversation, 'cause we all know how bad I am at those.
But joy only exist in fragments.

Well all know that joy is..
"false hope".
False hope: this word so many seem to believe in. Everything is false hope. Where is hard work and courage. Well aren't you one to talk mister.
It doesn't last any longer than we let ourselves believe in the power we have, in ourselves. Joy is only for the beautiful and strong.
My strength, I grasp at it, and sometimes it's gone. But beauty is something, I've never quite known. I've always been too much. Ya know. Literally and figuratively. Obviously Joy is not meant for me.

Maybe I knew it once,
in that time when beauty didn't matter and strength was just a test of who could kick harder. When he was my world and everything I was aiming for. But now I don't even know him, he;s nothing but the thunder drumming distantly through the clouds. Can it be that it's been that long since I've felt utter joy? Did he steal the joy I had in that final hug, or did I just allow it to latch on to him, and never bothered trying to get it back? I'm sure by now he's spent my joy. These days I don't feel helpless at the thought of him, I don't honestly care anymore for him. But if I actually saw him, and sat down to talk to him...let's just hope that never happens. [I think Miranda's going through her Thunder right now, but she can;t steal the song, it'll alwats be mine. He will always be my thunder.] The only way for joy to come back to me is if some kind person, with a good soul were to lend me some of there's, and with that I'd know they truly care. I wonder if, anyone will ever see past all this, who I am and how I look. Right now I'm lost, anyone care to find me?

Joy, joy joy,. Why does it seem I can only find joy in the form of a boy? Am I that pathetic?

Love,
Baylee Jean