Is it possible that life might finally be catching up with me? Or, I'm catching up with it? I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, it's just I feel like I actually have a story to tell again. Like, if one day a child were to ask me about these day, then I'd have something to tell them. You know what I mean? Not that it's all
necessarily good, but it is something. I feel like I have more to
leave behind with me now. I have SOMETHING at least. This month has
probably been the worst one I've had in a while, maybe in my life. It
has also been one of the ones with the most things happening, so many
things going on, so many things happening. Most have not been...good,
but, well, not much I can say. It's certainly been...interesting. I'm
trying to decide how to go about with this blog anymore. I'm losing
my capability to write about my life without it sounding crazy, and
well, flowing. In all honesty that pretty much is my life, crazy. As
I've done before, I guess I'll outline it into sections of my life.
Friends:
Well, I love them all like crazy.
But... they are insane. In a way, I sort of feel like I don't fit in
with them anymore. I'm just there and I'm being a bother to everyone.
I can tell that I'm annoying them. Not that I haven't been annoying
them for, like ever. Now it's just far more noticeable, to me at
least. Seems to me that if there was a way for me to get out of there
hair without being lonely, then they'd want me to take. Would I take
it? What would become of me without them? Sometimes, I feel like
they're the only ones keeping me sane, and in this place. I'd be a
completely different person without them. School would be hell, my
parents would make me want to claw my eyes out, and Michigan would be
nothing but the place I move throughout every day, not a home or a
place to live. Just a place to be. I am thankful for them, and I
honestly wonder what would happen if I just cut ties with them. If I
sat down at a different lunch table, blocked them from facebook,
didn't seek them out at school. How would my life be? Another thing
is, I recently learn that one of my friends has a crush on me. I am
very disturbed by the matter, simply because I don't know what to say
to her. Obviously she must know that nothing will ever come from
that, I mean come on, I am 100% straight. So, that has been a big
problem. Like, why did she have to tell me. Not that I didn't already
have my suspicions. Why do only females like me, then I feel bad
cause I don't and never will like them back. Difficult shizz being
difficult. I think Miranda hates me right now. I don't really know
why. She's seemed really distant lately. I also owe her, big time,
because she went to the mall with me with those... “guys”. I went
to try to talk to Dakota... in all honesty all she did (and conner)
was bore me, Dakota, and Ryan to death with their pokemon playing.
But I haven't the slightest clue how to make it up to her. Also I
finally decided I'm done with Kate and Conner's relationship. They
are technically dating. And getting on my final nerve. Mostly because
I'm single and just want someone to cuddle with... hm....I'm bitter,
we've been over this. That's about all I got goin' on in the friend
department, or all that I can think of at least.
Parents:
Are confusing as hell. One minute
we're happy and joking around. The next they're yelling at me for
being ungrateful, disrespectful, and an all together disgrace. I
really hate them talking to me that way. Sometimes, I swear they
haven't the slightest clue who I am. But I guess if I had a perfect
relationship with my parents then I wouldn't be a teenage. However,
current events have occurred since I wrote that. My cat is getting
worse. Daisy, I love you so much. I need you to feel well, you
deserve to feel well. What would it take for my mother to see that
there's something seriously wrong with my dear kitty? Something
terrible probably. My mother, like millions of others, block out what
is wrong in the world, and then gives blame to others. Finally, she
decided to take Daisy to the vet on Thursday. Finally. I just hope
there will be a solution to the problem. Somehow through the process
of this it turned into me being ungrateful and wanting too much even
though we don't have the money. I'm sorry that my pet got sick when
you don't have money, but it's not like I planned it or even wanted
it to happen. But it did so, don't blame me.
School:
I don't really think this is
important. Maybe some other time we will speak on this. And how I
still don't feel like I belong and can't really claim this school as
mine, like I'm not worthy of saying that “Grand River Prep” is my
school.
Love:
I'm kinda screwed in this department.
Under some circumstance, I think I've fallen for Dakota...I know
right, like what the hell. I've fallen for a computer screen, which
is actually quite understandable. The thing is, he's slightly more
than that. We've technically hung out twice now, both were pretty
much epic failures, and at the end of both I've felt completely
helpless and like a total bitch. I'm just not sure how to talk to
him, I'm afraid that if I say something, anything, I'll ruin
everything. And that's probably the stupidest thing to say
considering without me talking to him, there will be nothing. It
makes no sense. I'm afraid he's not going to give me anymore chances
to try.
But in all honesty there are much more
important things in the world. More important things that I should be
thinking about, other than myself. There are things that are bigger
than me. Things that I should invest all my attention in.
Daisy, please make it. I love you so
much. I love you, ya know that? You've been a very loyal cat to me.
Thank you. Please make it, we're trying to get you some help, truly
trying. Please be okay. I love you.
~What's left of Baylee Jean Miller
